Dear Diary,
Well, today is my third day of treatment. I don’t really feel like going…I know I should, but I feel bad about my attitude yesterday. I got pretty frustrated with my Specialist, and I wouldn’t be surprised if He were a little miffed at me…but I’ll feel even dumber tomorrow if I were to ditch today…so I’ll go…my conscience is hurting. Ever since treatment yesterday it’s been really sensitive and achy. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I don’t like it hurting…hopefully today’s treatment will help…if I don’t spend the whole treatment feeling stupid…I’ll write about how it goes later.
Dear Diary,
Why am I such a pessimist? I feel kind of silly for expecting my Specialist to be mad at me about my frustrations yesterday. He wasn’t upset at all, and was glad I came back. That made me feel a lot better. When I asked Him if He was mad at me for spouting off yesterday He said, “You spouted off yesterday?…Oh…well my dear, I seem to have forgotten it entirely” sounding a bit like an absent minded old man. It made me laugh, cause I know His mind is sharp as ever, so I’m sure He hasn’t really just forgotten. I know He hasn’t really just forgotten, actually, because He answered a lot of the questions I asked yesterday. Apparently, my conscience will hurt even when it’s healthy, when it is given cause for pain. He explained, “Sins, bad things you do, bad attitudes you have, and so on, are what cause your conscience to hurt. The tumor has little to do with the pain. The tumor is dead tissue that grows…it’s presence bothers you because it is not supposed to be there, and hinders your conscience from working properly. But sin still hurts your conscience, and that is a good sign. It means the cancer has not taken over your conscience.” This took awhile for me to process…the tumor isn’t what causes pain, sin is. He helped me understand that the treatments are a two-part exercise for that reason. The tumor, while it doesn’t hurt, is not supposed to be there. So part of the treatment is to get rid of the tumor. My conscience will hurt when I sin, and so the second part of the exercises are to help me avoid sin. Yesterday it seemed like I was fighting the cancer, and my conscience. Now I get it though. I’m fighting the tumor, and anything that causes my conscience pain! So, with a healthy conscience, I’m not guaranteed pain – I’m just capable of feeling it if I do something that does cause it to hurt. Anyway, so I’m supposed to keep reading this Book He gave me, so I can learn what sorts of things to avoid…the things that would make my conscience hurt. And I’m supposed to keep meeting with Him. He said that just meeting with Him and talking about my condition helps to shrink the tumor. I’m not sure how that works, but…I am feeling pretty good after today’s treatment, so…I guess maybe He’s onto something..:)
Anyway, today we read something in the Book that I thought was interesting. My Specialist was telling me about this guy named David who was a really good guy, whose heart was generally in the right place. He had a pretty healthy conscience, but one time I guess he really screwed up (literally), and his conscience was practically killing him. But something he wrote helped me understand how a healthy conscience, and a painful conscience are a good thing…he wrote, “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”* The pain in his conscience gave him the desire to get rid of the sin in his life that was causing him so much pain! My Specialist told me that He wants me to pay attention to my conscience, and when it hurts, try to think of what might be making it hurt. I told Him my conscience was hurting yesterday after treatment and He asked why I thought it might be hurting at that particular time…I realized it started hurting when my attitude flared up. When I told Him this, He looked like I’d just unearthed some incredibly valuable information, lol. He said He was really pleased because, one, I identified what caused my conscience pain, and two, I told Him about it. I’m not sure why He was so excited about this, but it did feel good to get it off my chest, anyway. Well, I’m getting writers cramp, so I’m gonna end this…hopefully I’ll have more good stuff to write after tomorrow’s treatment.
*Psalm 51:2-3
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