Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 2

Dear Diary,

This morning I had my scheduled appointment with the Specialist. It was kind of weird. I went in feeling like I was going in for more bad news, but when I met with Him, He seemed like He was SO glad I was there. I mean, not just "nice to see you" but…like He was glad that I was meeting with Him rather than at school or work like all the healthy people. I really like Him though. He's really gentle and understanding. Even when He has to talk about things that worry me, He's…actually a lot of fun to be around. Not your typical doctor to say the least. I feel really comfortable around Him. It's weird. I don't feel like I know Him all that well, but I feel like He knows me all that well…if that makes sense. Anyway, He's really cool…of course I haven't gotten into the painful, hard work type stuff yet. This appointment was basically to talk about what my condition is. My chances are 100%. But my tumor is still a real problem. It's weird…now that I know what it is, it hurts more:(. My Specialist said that that's normal, because my conscience, where the tumor is, is a unique organ. I guess most organs, when they have problems, they become more and more sensitive, and the pain increases. The conscience though, as problems progress, after getting past the worst of it (where I'm at now) it starts becoming desensitized. He said this is what causes a lot of people to quit treatment. It's less work to just let the cancer do it's thing until you can't feel it anymore, because it eventually sears your conscience completely. That's pretty gross. But I guess some people would prefer that over what He calls a clear conscience. I want to go through the treatment though, not just wait until it's painless. My Specialist seemed really sad when He explained about people preferring to just wait until it becomes painless, because this is the most deadly cancer, and when people actually choose the cancer over the cure…it's like suicide, and there's nothing He can do. I can tell, He cares for every one of His patients. For some reason that doesn't make me feel like He only cares for me because He cares for all His patients…call me crazy, but I still feel special…like I'm His only patient…like I could call Him in the middle of the night if my conscience started hurting, and He would be there just for me… Okay, maybe I am crazy. I won't really call Him in the middle of the night about my conscience, but…I like feeling like I could, even if I won't. It at least leaves me feeling hopeful…

Anyway, about the treatment. Since this kind of cancer is one of the fastest growing kinds, I am to go through treatments every day. He finally told me why this treatment is so much work. The treatment is sort of a two part exercise. One part is (believe it or not) just getting me informed. He gave me this Book, which is all about (believe it or not) my Specialist, other patients He's had, what causes this cancer, what helps it, what makes it worse…there's stuff about how this cancer came into the world, people who have gone through treatment, people who have denied the treatment…sometimes it feels like a history lesson, but He says that almost all of His patients gain some comfort, and strength to fight the cancer, by reading about people who have been there too. He also said that there is tons of information in this book about how to prevent my cancer from spreading. The cause of the cancer is sin. The scary thing is that this cancer can feed off of my own sins, OR second hand sin. Both make it worse, if left unguarded. My Specialist said this doesn't mean that I can't be around anyone who sins. He said that would require complete quarantine which would just be ridiculous. He said quarantining His patients is as bad as killing them. He told me to read the Book for details, but that basically the treatment, at first just helps me learn how to keep the cancer from spreading. The second part of the treatment is actually fighting off the cancer. He said that's the part that scares people, because it changes lives completely. Is it bad for me to worry about that? I mean…like I said, I trust my Specialist…but does that mean I should never worry about what I'm doing and going through? Is it wrong for me to question Him? Is He going to think I'm going to back out, if I'm afraid of this? I don't know…all I know is that, even with all my questions and uncertainties, I get a lot of comfort from Him, even when I don't have all the answers. Anyway…starting tomorrow I'm supposed to meet with Him daily to read this book, so that I can keep this tumor from growing. Well…here's hopin'…