Dear Diary,
I met with my Specialist again today. We read some of the Book that He gave me, and talked about what sort of exercises I should be doing to combat the tumor on my conscience. I have a feeling I have a long road ahead of me. My Specialist always seems hopeful and encouraging, always pushing me gently to keep going with the treatments. I'm a little confused though. I asked Him how long it would take for the treatment to work. He said it's already working. I asked Him how soon I would be cancer free. He said I would be cancer free when I die! This was frightening and discouraging at the same time. I asked what the point of fighting it was, if I was going to have it for the rest of my life. He explained that there is always sin around me, and I will always have to fight my own urge to sin…and so my conscience is always needing these treatments, to keep it healthy and sharp. He said that my conscience, when healthy, will hurt to some degree whenever I'm sinning, or just sitting on the side lines watching my friends sin. I thought I was going through treatment to get rid of pain! Why is He now telling me that my conscience will hurt when it's healthy?! It's kind of frustrating, and I can see why some people quit treatments >( Am I working for the sake of getting rid of the discomfort? Or am I working only to find out the discomfort is always gonna be there? Am I supposed to fight this cancer for the rest of my life, only to have my conscience causing me constant discomfort every waking hour?? *sigh* I actually kind of vented all that frustration off on my Specialist, and felt kind of bad afterwards…my conscience hurt. He sat there quietly for quite awhile after I finally shut up, and even when He stayed calm and caring, I felt like leaving. I don't know why. I just didn't want to sit there looking at Him when I was frustrated with His 'treatments'. These 100% guaranteed treatments, and…my conscience is still gonna hurt whenever I sin? How is that a cure? I thought I was supposed to be perfectly healthy and happy because of these treatments. Whose definition of "healthy" are we going by here?! *sigh* I know He cares, and His intentions are good, but…what is really the point of all this? What's tomorrow going to be like? I feel like I don't know anything, and these exercises are such a slow process…I don't know…maybe every patient goes through this…
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