Dear Diary,
Well, obviously I've skipped a few days of writing. Audrey and her family got back from vacation Sunday night, so of course I've been busy ever since. They got into town around dinner time, so she picked me up and we went to Denny's. We always go there. It's, like, our spot. The people there know us, and our orders, by heart, lol. Anyway, we went to Denny's and stayed there until we had to leave, to get home by curfew at 1:00 in the morning. Audrey didn't seem to be in much of a hurry to get home in time...she said her parents were so exhausted from the drive, that she was sure they were asleep long before her curfew. I wanted to hang out with her all night (two weeks without my best friend was long enough!) but I knew it was a bad idea to stay out past her curfew. She kind of made me feel like a goodie two shoes. We ARE over 18, and both think it's pretty silly that she still has a curfew. We're in college! Who in college has a curfew?? But her parents say that it's for safety reasons, not because they don't trust her...they say after 1:00 is when the drunks start driving home, and she shouldn't be on the roads for that...and of course there's the "as long as you're living under our roof, you go by our rules no matter how old you are!" thing :-p BLAH. But...as dumb as I think it is sometimes, I found myself trying to convince Audrey that we should just go back to her house, so she'd be home by curfew, but I could just hang out with her there. I definitely didn't want her to get caught missing her curfew, and get grounded (19 yr olds get grounded??!)...I had to go it alone for two weeks while they were on vacation. I was NOT gonna let her get grounded, lol. Anyway...I felt like a sissy for trying to find "logical" excuses for going to her house instead of staying out. Afterwards I thought, "Why didn't I just tell her it's the right thing to do?" Was it wrong for me to chicken out on saying that? I don't know...I'd already met with my Specialist that day, so I couldn't ask Him until yesterday.
Yesterday I started classes again. I didn't get to really meet with my Specialist, cause...well, you know how adjusting to a new class schedule can be. I'm not used to when my breaks are or how long it takes to get from class to class...so I just called Him on my lunch break. Oy, you should've seen how dumb I looked in front of Audrey. See...well, I haven't told her about me seeing a Specialist yet...I don't know why. I'm just not entirely sure how to explain it all to her. I feel like I don't know enough about my own condition and the treatments and all that. So of course when I wanted to call my Specialist I told her I had to call my Friend. (I'd say He qualifies as a Friend to me now, wouldn't you?) As soon as I referred to this "friend" as a "he" she flipped and asked who my new boyfriend was! I told her I didn't have a boyfriend. She wasn't convinced and kept asking who "this guy" is throughout the day. I guess I'll have to explain it to her eventually, huh? Anyway, she (conveniently) had to run to the bathroom, so I used that opportunity to call Him...I told him I wasn't sure when I'd get to meet with Him. He was just glad I called...He said He's very eager to meet with me again, and would love to hear about Audrey and school...(See? He qualifies as a friend;). Anyway, I told Him I'd still read the Book He gave me, tonight. I felt bad not meeting with Him in person, but I'm sure I'll meet with Him again soon...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 6
Dear Diary,
Well, it’s a Saturday. I overslept this morning, and woke up when I was supposed to be meeting with my Specialist. I’m not used to making time for something every single morning, particularly Saturdays. I called Him and explained that I overslept, and asked if we should reschedule or just skip today or what, and He said not to worry about it, that I could come see Him whenever I’m ready. I guess He doesn’t have another appointment right after mine, or He’d be booked…anyway, I grabbed a bagel for breakfast and rushed off to meet with Him. On the bright side, my conscience didn’t hurt. I felt bad for being late, but my conscience has been okay so far today.
My Specialist was waiting for me when I got there to meet with Him. I apologized a zillion times for being late, but He told me not even to worry about it. “How’s your conscience?” He asked me. I told Him it was feeling pretty good, and He said, “Then why do you feel bad for being late? You didn’t do anything wrong. Your conscience would tell you if you did. You see there is a difference between mistakes, and wrong-doing.” I hadn’t really thought about that before. I overslept by mistake…He said, if I’d shirked my responsibilities…woken up, then gone back to sleep knowing I had somewhere to be…then it would be a deliberate wrong-doing. “Unfortunately,” He told me, “a lot of people, once they hear that, they try to label everything they do wrong as a mistake. Learn to know the difference, and be honest with yourself about what a mistake is. Everyone is entitled to a few mistakes. Nobody is entitled to a few free sins. And sins have eternal consequences, whereas mistakes have momentary consequences.” I guess the consequences for my mistake this morning weren’t too bad, lol. But I bet if I’d knocked over mom’s antique vase on my way out the door, those consequences would’ve been bad! Haha. Yay for a gracious Specialist;)
Oh, one thing we talked about was…I realized that once I start school again, I won’t be able to come see Him at 8:00 every morning. He told me not to worry about what time I’m available. He said, “The important thing is that you are available. Not what time. I’m available whenever you are, so drop by whenever you can.” One thing He told me was that I should call Him any time I want. I’m not sure what would cause a need for me to actually call Him when I’m meeting with Him every day, but…I guess I’ll keep it in mind. He said that living in this world, I’d never know when I may need to reach Him, so He makes Himself available to me any time day or night. Hopefully I won’t have to reach Him outside our daily meetings, but…okay. lol. Anyway, Mom and I are off to buy my books for my new classes…
Well, it’s a Saturday. I overslept this morning, and woke up when I was supposed to be meeting with my Specialist. I’m not used to making time for something every single morning, particularly Saturdays. I called Him and explained that I overslept, and asked if we should reschedule or just skip today or what, and He said not to worry about it, that I could come see Him whenever I’m ready. I guess He doesn’t have another appointment right after mine, or He’d be booked…anyway, I grabbed a bagel for breakfast and rushed off to meet with Him. On the bright side, my conscience didn’t hurt. I felt bad for being late, but my conscience has been okay so far today.
My Specialist was waiting for me when I got there to meet with Him. I apologized a zillion times for being late, but He told me not even to worry about it. “How’s your conscience?” He asked me. I told Him it was feeling pretty good, and He said, “Then why do you feel bad for being late? You didn’t do anything wrong. Your conscience would tell you if you did. You see there is a difference between mistakes, and wrong-doing.” I hadn’t really thought about that before. I overslept by mistake…He said, if I’d shirked my responsibilities…woken up, then gone back to sleep knowing I had somewhere to be…then it would be a deliberate wrong-doing. “Unfortunately,” He told me, “a lot of people, once they hear that, they try to label everything they do wrong as a mistake. Learn to know the difference, and be honest with yourself about what a mistake is. Everyone is entitled to a few mistakes. Nobody is entitled to a few free sins. And sins have eternal consequences, whereas mistakes have momentary consequences.” I guess the consequences for my mistake this morning weren’t too bad, lol. But I bet if I’d knocked over mom’s antique vase on my way out the door, those consequences would’ve been bad! Haha. Yay for a gracious Specialist;)
Oh, one thing we talked about was…I realized that once I start school again, I won’t be able to come see Him at 8:00 every morning. He told me not to worry about what time I’m available. He said, “The important thing is that you are available. Not what time. I’m available whenever you are, so drop by whenever you can.” One thing He told me was that I should call Him any time I want. I’m not sure what would cause a need for me to actually call Him when I’m meeting with Him every day, but…I guess I’ll keep it in mind. He said that living in this world, I’d never know when I may need to reach Him, so He makes Himself available to me any time day or night. Hopefully I won’t have to reach Him outside our daily meetings, but…okay. lol. Anyway, Mom and I are off to buy my books for my new classes…
Friday, June 6, 2008
Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 5
Dear Diary,
It occurred to me today…I’m sure not acting like a cancer patient. I’ve known cancer patients, and their situation always made me feel scared for them; I’d want to be hopeful, but not foolish and in denial about the reality of their condition. On the other hand, I know more than one cancer survivor:) I guess I get to be one too now:) Wait…see what I mean? I’ve got one of the deadliest forms of cancer, yet all the hope and confidence in the world. My Specialist says these treatments are guaranteed, so…I guess I don’t just have hope. I have confidence. I’m awfully glad I don’t have to go through chemo…I hear that stuff is murder on your digestive system. Anyway, I can tell I’m a lot more optimistic and confident about my condition, since seeing my Specialist.
This coming Monday I’m gonna have to go back to school though. Summer classes start, and I can’t miss that. Audrey and I are taking summer classes so we can get done with junior college sooner and get out of here!;) I’m definitely ready to go back to school. Audrey’s family went on vacation between semesters, so I’m ready to have my best friend back.
Anyway, I met with my Specialist again this morning, and we talked about David, the guy He told me about yesterday. David wrote a lot of songs. I guess he was better with songs and poetry than just talking or something, cause he wrote songs about his experiences, and gave them to my Specialist, back when he was a patient. We read part of the same one as yesterday. David said, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.”* David had screwed up pretty bad, and his conscience was giving him some serious trouble. He needed our specialist to remind him about the hope and confidence that He had given David; he needed the sins off his chest, and the joy back in his heart. Even when his conscience was in good shape, he needed the Specialist’s help. That made me feel a little better about going through treatment for the rest of my life. David needed help too. And…I think he felt kind of like I did a few days ago…how I said I felt like I could talk to my Specialist any time and He would be there to help me. David needed help, even after years with a healthy conscience. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so dumb talking to my Specialist when I need help. Another thing I found interesting was when David wrote about telling other sinners about the Specialist. I asked my Specialist how David could tell who else was sick and needed treatments. He said, “It’s pretty easy…everyone has it. Everyone needs treatment. Everyone needs help, and if they don’t realize it, or are told about it, they’ll just try to placate the pain with things that never work.” That’s really sad :( I’d hate to think of my parents, or Audrey trying to get rid of the pain in their conscience with all sorts of hopeless methods. When I told my Specialist this, He told me not to worry too much about my parents…they’ve been coming for treatments for years! Apparently they don’t come daily but they try, and their consciences are healthy. He said check-ups are better than nothing, but that it couldn’t hurt to encourage them to come daily. I guess Audrey isn’t one of His patients yet…maybe I should tell her about Him. I don’t know though…I’m not exactly the conscience-tumor expert yet, so I’m not sure what to tell her…I’ll just be glad to see her on Monday though! Maybe it’ll come up in regular conversation:) I’ll have to tell her what I did while she was on vacation anyway!
It occurred to me today…I’m sure not acting like a cancer patient. I’ve known cancer patients, and their situation always made me feel scared for them; I’d want to be hopeful, but not foolish and in denial about the reality of their condition. On the other hand, I know more than one cancer survivor:) I guess I get to be one too now:) Wait…see what I mean? I’ve got one of the deadliest forms of cancer, yet all the hope and confidence in the world. My Specialist says these treatments are guaranteed, so…I guess I don’t just have hope. I have confidence. I’m awfully glad I don’t have to go through chemo…I hear that stuff is murder on your digestive system. Anyway, I can tell I’m a lot more optimistic and confident about my condition, since seeing my Specialist.
This coming Monday I’m gonna have to go back to school though. Summer classes start, and I can’t miss that. Audrey and I are taking summer classes so we can get done with junior college sooner and get out of here!;) I’m definitely ready to go back to school. Audrey’s family went on vacation between semesters, so I’m ready to have my best friend back.
Anyway, I met with my Specialist again this morning, and we talked about David, the guy He told me about yesterday. David wrote a lot of songs. I guess he was better with songs and poetry than just talking or something, cause he wrote songs about his experiences, and gave them to my Specialist, back when he was a patient. We read part of the same one as yesterday. David said, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.”* David had screwed up pretty bad, and his conscience was giving him some serious trouble. He needed our specialist to remind him about the hope and confidence that He had given David; he needed the sins off his chest, and the joy back in his heart. Even when his conscience was in good shape, he needed the Specialist’s help. That made me feel a little better about going through treatment for the rest of my life. David needed help too. And…I think he felt kind of like I did a few days ago…how I said I felt like I could talk to my Specialist any time and He would be there to help me. David needed help, even after years with a healthy conscience. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so dumb talking to my Specialist when I need help. Another thing I found interesting was when David wrote about telling other sinners about the Specialist. I asked my Specialist how David could tell who else was sick and needed treatments. He said, “It’s pretty easy…everyone has it. Everyone needs treatment. Everyone needs help, and if they don’t realize it, or are told about it, they’ll just try to placate the pain with things that never work.” That’s really sad :( I’d hate to think of my parents, or Audrey trying to get rid of the pain in their conscience with all sorts of hopeless methods. When I told my Specialist this, He told me not to worry too much about my parents…they’ve been coming for treatments for years! Apparently they don’t come daily but they try, and their consciences are healthy. He said check-ups are better than nothing, but that it couldn’t hurt to encourage them to come daily. I guess Audrey isn’t one of His patients yet…maybe I should tell her about Him. I don’t know though…I’m not exactly the conscience-tumor expert yet, so I’m not sure what to tell her…I’ll just be glad to see her on Monday though! Maybe it’ll come up in regular conversation:) I’ll have to tell her what I did while she was on vacation anyway!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 4
Dear Diary,
Well, today is my third day of treatment. I don’t really feel like going…I know I should, but I feel bad about my attitude yesterday. I got pretty frustrated with my Specialist, and I wouldn’t be surprised if He were a little miffed at me…but I’ll feel even dumber tomorrow if I were to ditch today…so I’ll go…my conscience is hurting. Ever since treatment yesterday it’s been really sensitive and achy. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I don’t like it hurting…hopefully today’s treatment will help…if I don’t spend the whole treatment feeling stupid…I’ll write about how it goes later.
Dear Diary,
Why am I such a pessimist? I feel kind of silly for expecting my Specialist to be mad at me about my frustrations yesterday. He wasn’t upset at all, and was glad I came back. That made me feel a lot better. When I asked Him if He was mad at me for spouting off yesterday He said, “You spouted off yesterday?…Oh…well my dear, I seem to have forgotten it entirely” sounding a bit like an absent minded old man. It made me laugh, cause I know His mind is sharp as ever, so I’m sure He hasn’t really just forgotten. I know He hasn’t really just forgotten, actually, because He answered a lot of the questions I asked yesterday. Apparently, my conscience will hurt even when it’s healthy, when it is given cause for pain. He explained, “Sins, bad things you do, bad attitudes you have, and so on, are what cause your conscience to hurt. The tumor has little to do with the pain. The tumor is dead tissue that grows…it’s presence bothers you because it is not supposed to be there, and hinders your conscience from working properly. But sin still hurts your conscience, and that is a good sign. It means the cancer has not taken over your conscience.” This took awhile for me to process…the tumor isn’t what causes pain, sin is. He helped me understand that the treatments are a two-part exercise for that reason. The tumor, while it doesn’t hurt, is not supposed to be there. So part of the treatment is to get rid of the tumor. My conscience will hurt when I sin, and so the second part of the exercises are to help me avoid sin. Yesterday it seemed like I was fighting the cancer, and my conscience. Now I get it though. I’m fighting the tumor, and anything that causes my conscience pain! So, with a healthy conscience, I’m not guaranteed pain – I’m just capable of feeling it if I do something that does cause it to hurt. Anyway, so I’m supposed to keep reading this Book He gave me, so I can learn what sorts of things to avoid…the things that would make my conscience hurt. And I’m supposed to keep meeting with Him. He said that just meeting with Him and talking about my condition helps to shrink the tumor. I’m not sure how that works, but…I am feeling pretty good after today’s treatment, so…I guess maybe He’s onto something..:)
Anyway, today we read something in the Book that I thought was interesting. My Specialist was telling me about this guy named David who was a really good guy, whose heart was generally in the right place. He had a pretty healthy conscience, but one time I guess he really screwed up (literally), and his conscience was practically killing him. But something he wrote helped me understand how a healthy conscience, and a painful conscience are a good thing…he wrote, “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”* The pain in his conscience gave him the desire to get rid of the sin in his life that was causing him so much pain! My Specialist told me that He wants me to pay attention to my conscience, and when it hurts, try to think of what might be making it hurt. I told Him my conscience was hurting yesterday after treatment and He asked why I thought it might be hurting at that particular time…I realized it started hurting when my attitude flared up. When I told Him this, He looked like I’d just unearthed some incredibly valuable information, lol. He said He was really pleased because, one, I identified what caused my conscience pain, and two, I told Him about it. I’m not sure why He was so excited about this, but it did feel good to get it off my chest, anyway. Well, I’m getting writers cramp, so I’m gonna end this…hopefully I’ll have more good stuff to write after tomorrow’s treatment.
*Psalm 51:2-3
Well, today is my third day of treatment. I don’t really feel like going…I know I should, but I feel bad about my attitude yesterday. I got pretty frustrated with my Specialist, and I wouldn’t be surprised if He were a little miffed at me…but I’ll feel even dumber tomorrow if I were to ditch today…so I’ll go…my conscience is hurting. Ever since treatment yesterday it’s been really sensitive and achy. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I don’t like it hurting…hopefully today’s treatment will help…if I don’t spend the whole treatment feeling stupid…I’ll write about how it goes later.
Dear Diary,
Why am I such a pessimist? I feel kind of silly for expecting my Specialist to be mad at me about my frustrations yesterday. He wasn’t upset at all, and was glad I came back. That made me feel a lot better. When I asked Him if He was mad at me for spouting off yesterday He said, “You spouted off yesterday?…Oh…well my dear, I seem to have forgotten it entirely” sounding a bit like an absent minded old man. It made me laugh, cause I know His mind is sharp as ever, so I’m sure He hasn’t really just forgotten. I know He hasn’t really just forgotten, actually, because He answered a lot of the questions I asked yesterday. Apparently, my conscience will hurt even when it’s healthy, when it is given cause for pain. He explained, “Sins, bad things you do, bad attitudes you have, and so on, are what cause your conscience to hurt. The tumor has little to do with the pain. The tumor is dead tissue that grows…it’s presence bothers you because it is not supposed to be there, and hinders your conscience from working properly. But sin still hurts your conscience, and that is a good sign. It means the cancer has not taken over your conscience.” This took awhile for me to process…the tumor isn’t what causes pain, sin is. He helped me understand that the treatments are a two-part exercise for that reason. The tumor, while it doesn’t hurt, is not supposed to be there. So part of the treatment is to get rid of the tumor. My conscience will hurt when I sin, and so the second part of the exercises are to help me avoid sin. Yesterday it seemed like I was fighting the cancer, and my conscience. Now I get it though. I’m fighting the tumor, and anything that causes my conscience pain! So, with a healthy conscience, I’m not guaranteed pain – I’m just capable of feeling it if I do something that does cause it to hurt. Anyway, so I’m supposed to keep reading this Book He gave me, so I can learn what sorts of things to avoid…the things that would make my conscience hurt. And I’m supposed to keep meeting with Him. He said that just meeting with Him and talking about my condition helps to shrink the tumor. I’m not sure how that works, but…I am feeling pretty good after today’s treatment, so…I guess maybe He’s onto something..:)
Anyway, today we read something in the Book that I thought was interesting. My Specialist was telling me about this guy named David who was a really good guy, whose heart was generally in the right place. He had a pretty healthy conscience, but one time I guess he really screwed up (literally), and his conscience was practically killing him. But something he wrote helped me understand how a healthy conscience, and a painful conscience are a good thing…he wrote, “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”* The pain in his conscience gave him the desire to get rid of the sin in his life that was causing him so much pain! My Specialist told me that He wants me to pay attention to my conscience, and when it hurts, try to think of what might be making it hurt. I told Him my conscience was hurting yesterday after treatment and He asked why I thought it might be hurting at that particular time…I realized it started hurting when my attitude flared up. When I told Him this, He looked like I’d just unearthed some incredibly valuable information, lol. He said He was really pleased because, one, I identified what caused my conscience pain, and two, I told Him about it. I’m not sure why He was so excited about this, but it did feel good to get it off my chest, anyway. Well, I’m getting writers cramp, so I’m gonna end this…hopefully I’ll have more good stuff to write after tomorrow’s treatment.
*Psalm 51:2-3
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 3
Dear Diary,
I met with my Specialist again today. We read some of the Book that He gave me, and talked about what sort of exercises I should be doing to combat the tumor on my conscience. I have a feeling I have a long road ahead of me. My Specialist always seems hopeful and encouraging, always pushing me gently to keep going with the treatments. I'm a little confused though. I asked Him how long it would take for the treatment to work. He said it's already working. I asked Him how soon I would be cancer free. He said I would be cancer free when I die! This was frightening and discouraging at the same time. I asked what the point of fighting it was, if I was going to have it for the rest of my life. He explained that there is always sin around me, and I will always have to fight my own urge to sin…and so my conscience is always needing these treatments, to keep it healthy and sharp. He said that my conscience, when healthy, will hurt to some degree whenever I'm sinning, or just sitting on the side lines watching my friends sin. I thought I was going through treatment to get rid of pain! Why is He now telling me that my conscience will hurt when it's healthy?! It's kind of frustrating, and I can see why some people quit treatments >( Am I working for the sake of getting rid of the discomfort? Or am I working only to find out the discomfort is always gonna be there? Am I supposed to fight this cancer for the rest of my life, only to have my conscience causing me constant discomfort every waking hour?? *sigh* I actually kind of vented all that frustration off on my Specialist, and felt kind of bad afterwards…my conscience hurt. He sat there quietly for quite awhile after I finally shut up, and even when He stayed calm and caring, I felt like leaving. I don't know why. I just didn't want to sit there looking at Him when I was frustrated with His 'treatments'. These 100% guaranteed treatments, and…my conscience is still gonna hurt whenever I sin? How is that a cure? I thought I was supposed to be perfectly healthy and happy because of these treatments. Whose definition of "healthy" are we going by here?! *sigh* I know He cares, and His intentions are good, but…what is really the point of all this? What's tomorrow going to be like? I feel like I don't know anything, and these exercises are such a slow process…I don't know…maybe every patient goes through this…
I met with my Specialist again today. We read some of the Book that He gave me, and talked about what sort of exercises I should be doing to combat the tumor on my conscience. I have a feeling I have a long road ahead of me. My Specialist always seems hopeful and encouraging, always pushing me gently to keep going with the treatments. I'm a little confused though. I asked Him how long it would take for the treatment to work. He said it's already working. I asked Him how soon I would be cancer free. He said I would be cancer free when I die! This was frightening and discouraging at the same time. I asked what the point of fighting it was, if I was going to have it for the rest of my life. He explained that there is always sin around me, and I will always have to fight my own urge to sin…and so my conscience is always needing these treatments, to keep it healthy and sharp. He said that my conscience, when healthy, will hurt to some degree whenever I'm sinning, or just sitting on the side lines watching my friends sin. I thought I was going through treatment to get rid of pain! Why is He now telling me that my conscience will hurt when it's healthy?! It's kind of frustrating, and I can see why some people quit treatments >( Am I working for the sake of getting rid of the discomfort? Or am I working only to find out the discomfort is always gonna be there? Am I supposed to fight this cancer for the rest of my life, only to have my conscience causing me constant discomfort every waking hour?? *sigh* I actually kind of vented all that frustration off on my Specialist, and felt kind of bad afterwards…my conscience hurt. He sat there quietly for quite awhile after I finally shut up, and even when He stayed calm and caring, I felt like leaving. I don't know why. I just didn't want to sit there looking at Him when I was frustrated with His 'treatments'. These 100% guaranteed treatments, and…my conscience is still gonna hurt whenever I sin? How is that a cure? I thought I was supposed to be perfectly healthy and happy because of these treatments. Whose definition of "healthy" are we going by here?! *sigh* I know He cares, and His intentions are good, but…what is really the point of all this? What's tomorrow going to be like? I feel like I don't know anything, and these exercises are such a slow process…I don't know…maybe every patient goes through this…
Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 2
Dear Diary,
This morning I had my scheduled appointment with the Specialist. It was kind of weird. I went in feeling like I was going in for more bad news, but when I met with Him, He seemed like He was SO glad I was there. I mean, not just "nice to see you" but…like He was glad that I was meeting with Him rather than at school or work like all the healthy people. I really like Him though. He's really gentle and understanding. Even when He has to talk about things that worry me, He's…actually a lot of fun to be around. Not your typical doctor to say the least. I feel really comfortable around Him. It's weird. I don't feel like I know Him all that well, but I feel like He knows me all that well…if that makes sense. Anyway, He's really cool…of course I haven't gotten into the painful, hard work type stuff yet. This appointment was basically to talk about what my condition is. My chances are 100%. But my tumor is still a real problem. It's weird…now that I know what it is, it hurts more:(. My Specialist said that that's normal, because my conscience, where the tumor is, is a unique organ. I guess most organs, when they have problems, they become more and more sensitive, and the pain increases. The conscience though, as problems progress, after getting past the worst of it (where I'm at now) it starts becoming desensitized. He said this is what causes a lot of people to quit treatment. It's less work to just let the cancer do it's thing until you can't feel it anymore, because it eventually sears your conscience completely. That's pretty gross. But I guess some people would prefer that over what He calls a clear conscience. I want to go through the treatment though, not just wait until it's painless. My Specialist seemed really sad when He explained about people preferring to just wait until it becomes painless, because this is the most deadly cancer, and when people actually choose the cancer over the cure…it's like suicide, and there's nothing He can do. I can tell, He cares for every one of His patients. For some reason that doesn't make me feel like He only cares for me because He cares for all His patients…call me crazy, but I still feel special…like I'm His only patient…like I could call Him in the middle of the night if my conscience started hurting, and He would be there just for me… Okay, maybe I am crazy. I won't really call Him in the middle of the night about my conscience, but…I like feeling like I could, even if I won't. It at least leaves me feeling hopeful…
Anyway, about the treatment. Since this kind of cancer is one of the fastest growing kinds, I am to go through treatments every day. He finally told me why this treatment is so much work. The treatment is sort of a two part exercise. One part is (believe it or not) just getting me informed. He gave me this Book, which is all about (believe it or not) my Specialist, other patients He's had, what causes this cancer, what helps it, what makes it worse…there's stuff about how this cancer came into the world, people who have gone through treatment, people who have denied the treatment…sometimes it feels like a history lesson, but He says that almost all of His patients gain some comfort, and strength to fight the cancer, by reading about people who have been there too. He also said that there is tons of information in this book about how to prevent my cancer from spreading. The cause of the cancer is sin. The scary thing is that this cancer can feed off of my own sins, OR second hand sin. Both make it worse, if left unguarded. My Specialist said this doesn't mean that I can't be around anyone who sins. He said that would require complete quarantine which would just be ridiculous. He said quarantining His patients is as bad as killing them. He told me to read the Book for details, but that basically the treatment, at first just helps me learn how to keep the cancer from spreading. The second part of the treatment is actually fighting off the cancer. He said that's the part that scares people, because it changes lives completely. Is it bad for me to worry about that? I mean…like I said, I trust my Specialist…but does that mean I should never worry about what I'm doing and going through? Is it wrong for me to question Him? Is He going to think I'm going to back out, if I'm afraid of this? I don't know…all I know is that, even with all my questions and uncertainties, I get a lot of comfort from Him, even when I don't have all the answers. Anyway…starting tomorrow I'm supposed to meet with Him daily to read this book, so that I can keep this tumor from growing. Well…here's hopin'…
This morning I had my scheduled appointment with the Specialist. It was kind of weird. I went in feeling like I was going in for more bad news, but when I met with Him, He seemed like He was SO glad I was there. I mean, not just "nice to see you" but…like He was glad that I was meeting with Him rather than at school or work like all the healthy people. I really like Him though. He's really gentle and understanding. Even when He has to talk about things that worry me, He's…actually a lot of fun to be around. Not your typical doctor to say the least. I feel really comfortable around Him. It's weird. I don't feel like I know Him all that well, but I feel like He knows me all that well…if that makes sense. Anyway, He's really cool…of course I haven't gotten into the painful, hard work type stuff yet. This appointment was basically to talk about what my condition is. My chances are 100%. But my tumor is still a real problem. It's weird…now that I know what it is, it hurts more:(. My Specialist said that that's normal, because my conscience, where the tumor is, is a unique organ. I guess most organs, when they have problems, they become more and more sensitive, and the pain increases. The conscience though, as problems progress, after getting past the worst of it (where I'm at now) it starts becoming desensitized. He said this is what causes a lot of people to quit treatment. It's less work to just let the cancer do it's thing until you can't feel it anymore, because it eventually sears your conscience completely. That's pretty gross. But I guess some people would prefer that over what He calls a clear conscience. I want to go through the treatment though, not just wait until it's painless. My Specialist seemed really sad when He explained about people preferring to just wait until it becomes painless, because this is the most deadly cancer, and when people actually choose the cancer over the cure…it's like suicide, and there's nothing He can do. I can tell, He cares for every one of His patients. For some reason that doesn't make me feel like He only cares for me because He cares for all His patients…call me crazy, but I still feel special…like I'm His only patient…like I could call Him in the middle of the night if my conscience started hurting, and He would be there just for me… Okay, maybe I am crazy. I won't really call Him in the middle of the night about my conscience, but…I like feeling like I could, even if I won't. It at least leaves me feeling hopeful…
Anyway, about the treatment. Since this kind of cancer is one of the fastest growing kinds, I am to go through treatments every day. He finally told me why this treatment is so much work. The treatment is sort of a two part exercise. One part is (believe it or not) just getting me informed. He gave me this Book, which is all about (believe it or not) my Specialist, other patients He's had, what causes this cancer, what helps it, what makes it worse…there's stuff about how this cancer came into the world, people who have gone through treatment, people who have denied the treatment…sometimes it feels like a history lesson, but He says that almost all of His patients gain some comfort, and strength to fight the cancer, by reading about people who have been there too. He also said that there is tons of information in this book about how to prevent my cancer from spreading. The cause of the cancer is sin. The scary thing is that this cancer can feed off of my own sins, OR second hand sin. Both make it worse, if left unguarded. My Specialist said this doesn't mean that I can't be around anyone who sins. He said that would require complete quarantine which would just be ridiculous. He said quarantining His patients is as bad as killing them. He told me to read the Book for details, but that basically the treatment, at first just helps me learn how to keep the cancer from spreading. The second part of the treatment is actually fighting off the cancer. He said that's the part that scares people, because it changes lives completely. Is it bad for me to worry about that? I mean…like I said, I trust my Specialist…but does that mean I should never worry about what I'm doing and going through? Is it wrong for me to question Him? Is He going to think I'm going to back out, if I'm afraid of this? I don't know…all I know is that, even with all my questions and uncertainties, I get a lot of comfort from Him, even when I don't have all the answers. Anyway…starting tomorrow I'm supposed to meet with Him daily to read this book, so that I can keep this tumor from growing. Well…here's hopin'…
Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 1
Dear Diary,
Today I was given some news that, well...isn't so pleasant. Honestly, for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks, though I'm not sure why. I've heard about the affects of second-hand sin, but I guess I didn't realize just how much it affected me until I tried it first hand. I don't sin all that often. I guess I'd say I'm a social sinner. I'm not dependent on it, so I thought I was okay. Now I'm told that I have, well, a tumor of sorts. I went in because something, I wasn't sure what, was causing all sorts of discomfort, particularly when I was at church. It got to the point where it kind of scared me, so I decided to go see a specialist. I told Him about what I was experiencing: constant discomfort, the painful lump in the pit of my stomach when Pastor teaches...He didn't even have to run any tests to tell me what it was. Classic symptoms, I guess, of a tumor on my conscience. I should consider myself lucky, I suppose...It's the most deadly type of cancer, but it's the one type of cancer whose treatment is guaranteed to work, if I'll consent to the treatment. I was surprised (to put it lightly) when He asked me if I wanted to go through treatment...He wanted to explain all the details of the treatment to me, because apparently a lot of people decline treatment, or start it and quit, because...well, I guess it can be painful, and a lot of work, and a huge change, and He said a lot of people fear pain, work, and change more than the risk, discomfort and certain death of denying treatment. I was amazed when He told me that millions of people have declined this treatment even though it's FREE! That, at first, completely blew my mind, but then I thought...what does this treatment entail? What will it do to me? It's guaranteed to get rid of the cancer, which is a miracle, because this type of cancer is known for its rapid growth. But...honestly, like everybody else, I'm not a huge fan of work or pain...and change is pretty intimidating. What will it change? He said everything. He let me consider it for awhile before I had to decide. The hard part was, I kind of had to decide on my own. Well, He said I could talk to people who had gone through the treatment if I wanted to, but He didn't recommend asking my friends if I should go through with it...apparently a lot of people who haven't actually been diagnosed and had to come to grips with the reality, don't realize that, as those who are in treatment would say, it's worth it. Anyway...I...I'm honestly scared to death but...He's the specialist, He's seen millions of cases like mine, and...I can tell He cares. I don't know Him all that well yet, but for some reason...I trust Him. So I'm going through with treatment. I'm not sure what it's going to be like, but He said it's worth every bit of it...so I believe Him. I guess I'll write more about it as I go...
Today I was given some news that, well...isn't so pleasant. Honestly, for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks, though I'm not sure why. I've heard about the affects of second-hand sin, but I guess I didn't realize just how much it affected me until I tried it first hand. I don't sin all that often. I guess I'd say I'm a social sinner. I'm not dependent on it, so I thought I was okay. Now I'm told that I have, well, a tumor of sorts. I went in because something, I wasn't sure what, was causing all sorts of discomfort, particularly when I was at church. It got to the point where it kind of scared me, so I decided to go see a specialist. I told Him about what I was experiencing: constant discomfort, the painful lump in the pit of my stomach when Pastor teaches...He didn't even have to run any tests to tell me what it was. Classic symptoms, I guess, of a tumor on my conscience. I should consider myself lucky, I suppose...It's the most deadly type of cancer, but it's the one type of cancer whose treatment is guaranteed to work, if I'll consent to the treatment. I was surprised (to put it lightly) when He asked me if I wanted to go through treatment...He wanted to explain all the details of the treatment to me, because apparently a lot of people decline treatment, or start it and quit, because...well, I guess it can be painful, and a lot of work, and a huge change, and He said a lot of people fear pain, work, and change more than the risk, discomfort and certain death of denying treatment. I was amazed when He told me that millions of people have declined this treatment even though it's FREE! That, at first, completely blew my mind, but then I thought...what does this treatment entail? What will it do to me? It's guaranteed to get rid of the cancer, which is a miracle, because this type of cancer is known for its rapid growth. But...honestly, like everybody else, I'm not a huge fan of work or pain...and change is pretty intimidating. What will it change? He said everything. He let me consider it for awhile before I had to decide. The hard part was, I kind of had to decide on my own. Well, He said I could talk to people who had gone through the treatment if I wanted to, but He didn't recommend asking my friends if I should go through with it...apparently a lot of people who haven't actually been diagnosed and had to come to grips with the reality, don't realize that, as those who are in treatment would say, it's worth it. Anyway...I...I'm honestly scared to death but...He's the specialist, He's seen millions of cases like mine, and...I can tell He cares. I don't know Him all that well yet, but for some reason...I trust Him. So I'm going through with treatment. I'm not sure what it's going to be like, but He said it's worth every bit of it...so I believe Him. I guess I'll write more about it as I go...
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