Friday, September 18, 2009

My Darkness (5 stars!)

Well, I told myself that I was going to re-read 'My Darkness' before totally spilling about it on-line, but multiple other people want to read it, and I'm so excited for them to, that I figured I would re-read it when I get another copy. I know I want one for myself and one for my youth group's library;) Anyway, before I give you guys a bit of a book review, keep in mind that I'm a very picky reader, and very critical of books. So you know I won't give credit where credit is not due. In light of that, here are my thoughts on 'My Darkness,' by Hayley Gallucci...

First off, about the author...
Hayley Gallucci was my RA in the dorms at Biola University:) She is now married and teaching kindergarten. Hayley taught me what the joy of the Lord is. I mention that because I've heard it said that one can only conceive of as much joy as they can sorrow, as much laughter as they can tears, as much hope as they can hopelessness. Your capacity for pain and your capacity for true joy are reversely proportionate. With that in mind, it makes sense (to me anyway) that someone like Hayley, the "shiny-est" person I know, would be able to write a book like 'My Darkness,' appropriately full of shining light, and deepest darkness...

Secondly, what 'My Darkness' is about:
"My Darkness is a novel about sixteen-year-old Sadie who has the ability to see another world. Tormented by a depressive demon of darkness and a manic foster brother, Sadie's life is a string of rejections and close calls until she meets Mark, her mysterious admirer. Her life begins to turn around, but she faces violent opposition at every turn, including a threat from her brother to leave home immediately or else. With the attacks intensifying, will Sadie survive long enough to embrace the truth, uncover the mysteries surrounding her foster brother and Mark, and escape from the Darkness that surrounds her?" (Product description on Amazon.com)
The story itself is a real page-turner. There is a consistent flow of action that keeps you reading. The main characters are well developed, so before you know it you will HAVE to know what happens to Sadie and Mark next, because they become quite real! I would highly recommend reading this book on a quiet Saturday when you can just keep reading, because you certainly won't want to stop!

And for those who care about these things (any Lit people out there?)
Literary elements...
The battle between good and evil is very vividly portrayed throughout the story in an unconventional way, as Sadie can actually see the angels and demons who make up the spiritual world. (Normally I think this method of portraying spiritual beings is cheesy, but that is because the few other books I've read that incorporate this element do not involve characters responding to what they see as, I think, a normal person would! Sadie, on the other hand, is a very realistic character with believable thoughts and feelings, and her responses to the spiritual world are such that a real person would probably have. This removes the cheesiness that is present in the few other books I've read with angels and demons in them).
Every story needs a source of conflict. In some stories it is opposites colliding. In some, it is characters who are too much alike finding their true colors (at least the disagreeable ones) in each other. 'My Darkness' is full of opposites, along with many varying results of their collision. There is the complete contrast between extreme good and extreme evil, with the consequent full-fledged battle going on. Then there is the partial contrast between hopeful characters and hopeless characters who are caught in between the extremes of good and evil. There is Mark, full of love, hope, and encouragement; and Sadie, full of distraction, discouragement, and a desire for hope that seems lost. Consequently, Sadie cannot understand Mark's goodness, and sometimes isn't sure if it is good.

Personal thoughts...
Some factors that could have contributed to my personal response to 'My Darkness': I am a critical reader, and I get nightmares way too easily. In light of that, I enjoyed the story too much to criticize it, and it didn't give me the creeps like most 'spiritual world' stories do. This is not to say that the demons were not very dark, or the dilemma not very serious. In fact, the depth of the darkness of the situation, and the spiritual forces involved, were very clear. I would highly recommend this book for teens and young adults in particular. It is a great story full of great (but not too great to relate to) characters, with a page-turning plot that will keep you on your toes:)

Here's where you can order a copy!
http://www.amazon.com/My-Darkness-Hayley-Gallucci/dp/1448661986/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252776290&sr=1-1

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

American Idols

I recently read this wonderful article (yes, by John Piper...I DO read other authors, I promise), explaining what constitutes idolatry. When I first read it, I went through his list describing when enjoyment becomes idolatrous, and putting a few of my most prized possessions, experiences and emotions through his filter. I would encourage you to do the same! It's very eye opening, and not just in a "negative" way. You may find your delights wonderfully affirmed! Think of something that is particularly dear to your heart (or stomach, or game-controller thumbs, or hormones, or whatever!), and (sorry Nick) check yourself!

1. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is forbidden by God. For example, adultery and fornication and stealing and lying are forbidden by God. Some people at some times feel that these are pleasurable, or else we would not do them. No one sins out of duty. But such pleasure is a sign of idolatry.

2. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is disproportionate to the worth of what is desired. Great desire for non-great things is a sign that we are beginning to make those things idols.

3. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is not permeated with gratitude. When our enjoyment of something tends to make us not think of God, it is moving toward idolatry. But if the enjoyment gives rise to the feeling of gratefulness to God, we are being protected from idolatry. The grateful feeling that we don’t deserve this gift or this enjoyment, but have it freely from God’s grace, is evidence that idolatry is being checked.

4. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it does not see in God’s gift that God himself is more to be desired than the gift. If the gift is not awakening a sense that God, the Giver, is better than the gift, it is becoming an idol.

5. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is starting to feel like a right, and our delight is becoming a demand. It may be that the delight is right. It may be that another person ought to give you this delight. It may be right to tell them this. But when all this rises to the level of angry demands, idolatry is rising.

6. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it draws us away from our duties. When we find ourselves spending time pursuing an enjoyment, knowing that other things, or people, should be getting our attention, we are moving into idolatry.

7. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it awakens a sense of pride that we can experience this delight while others can’t. This is especially true of delights in religious things, like prayer and Bible reading and ministry. It is wonderful to enjoy holy things. It idolatrous to feel proud that we can.

8. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is oblivious or callous to the needs and desires of others. Holy enjoyment is aware of others’ needs and may temporarily leave a good pleasure to help another person have it. One might leave private prayer to be the answer to someone else’s.

9. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it does not desire that Christ be magnified as supremely desirable through the enjoyment. Enjoying anything but Christ (like his good gifts) runs the inevitable risk of magnifying the gift over the Giver. One evidence that idolatry is not happening is the earnest desire that this not happen.

10. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is not working a deeper capacity for holy delight. We are sinners still. It is idolatrous to be content with sin. So we desire transformation. Some enjoyments shrink our capacities of holy joy. Others enlarge them. Some go either way, depending on how we think about them. When we don’t care if an enjoyment is making us more holy, we are moving into idolatry.

11. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when its loss ruins our trust in the goodness of God. There can be sorrow at loss without being idolatrous. But when the sorrow threatens our confidence in God, it signals that the thing lost was becoming an idol.

12. Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when its loss paralyzes us emotionally so that we can’t relate lovingly to other people. This is the horizontal effect of losing confidence in God. Again: Great sorrow is no sure sign of idolatry. Jesus had great sorrow. But when desire is denied, and the effect is the emotional inability to do what God calls us to do, the warning signs of idolatry are flashing.

"For myself and for you, I pray the admonition of 1 John 5:21, 'Little children, keep yourselves from idols.'"

-----------------------
As a somewhat separate topic, I'd like to draw your attention back to #5: "Enjoyment is becoming idolatrous when it is starting to feel like a right, and our delight is becoming a demand. It may be that the delight is right...But when all this rises to the level of angry demands, idolatry is rising." Upon reading this at work, I glanced up at the television mounted in the wall; it is constantly showing Fox News, day in and day out. This was before Michael Jackson died, so there were other things on the news, namely Obama's push for national healthcare. Healthcare...Americans' idol. Here in America, I've realized, we have many gods...we have become a polytheistic nation, as we idolize one thing after another. Citizenship, home-ownership, jobs, healthcare, money, good credit, company success...the list goes on and on. When our country was founded (by men who, more or less, followed God), a declaration was written, The Declaration of Independence to be exact, which declared, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Our country's founders wisely stated that our Creator has given us these rights - the right to live once He has created us at the moment of conception, the freedom to make choices, and the freedom to pursue happiness.
Sometime in the past 350 years or so, Americans have either been led to believe, or have believed out of the grossest part of our sinful hearts, that we, in fact, have the right to much more. We believe that not only is it true that all men are created equal, but that all men remain equal, regardless of character, integrity, courage, love, or work-toward-achievements (or lack thereof). It does not matter anyway - I have rights! "I have a right to prescription drugs, treatments and surgeries, whether I have the means of paying another person for his or her knowledge and skills or not! Denying me healthcare is a sin against me!" "I have a right to employment. Whether I am an excellent employee or not, you simply cannot fire me! I will blame race, gender, age, sexual orientation, religion, or anything else I can think of that will convince a court that you have violated my rights by firing me!" "I have a right to a free education! Whether I do well in school or not should not matter. It is a sin against me to hold me back from the next grade level, force me to learn a new language in order to participate in class, or to deny me a free lunch every day in the cafeteria! I should not have to earn any of this, meet any standards, or do any inconvenient garbage called homework. I have a right to a high school diploma! Along the way, I have the right to treat my teachers as miserably as I want, AND I have the right to be treated with the utmost respect and kindness toward my individuality in return. If this right is violated, my parents will file suit. Good day!" "I have the right to call on the government to fork over extra cash if my business is in trouble. After all, as a businessman I never realized that business is a risky endeavor to be entered into with wisdom and discretion. I certainly should not be responsible for my poor decisions, and have the right to be bailed out." "I have the right to protection from my own lack of insight. If I enter into a gamble and it goes wrong, I have every right to sue the person who 'defrauded' me."
There are thousands of examples of things that are good in real genuine idealistic instances - healthcare is good, employment is good, education is good, doing business is good, investing is good! But when did we wander from "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" all the way to "Life (unless you're smaller than a pea), liberty, the pursuit of happiness, guaranteed healthcare, permanent job security despite performance, success in school without effort, good results in business endeavors, guaranteed return for investment, protection from the consequences of unwisely joining up with dishonest people, protection from any unwisdom on my part, and respect no matter how truly shameful my lifestyle may be..? We have come to believe that anything that we want is a "certain unalienable right," and feel no shame in publicly demanding it.
There was a day when Americans learned from their mistakes, bounced back from their own failures, put their lives back together when tragedy hit, and were even required to take responsibility for their own actions. When did we let the value of life deteriorate so far, demand that unknown strangers protect our liberty with their lives while we refuse to thank them, and make our pursuit of superficial happiness our god? And when...when will we ever learn how horribly wrong we are?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Staying Married Is Not About Staying In Love - Part 1 - by John Piper

Genesis 2:18-25

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 19 Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Between our more substantial sermon series I am taking up a few subjects that seem to me to be urgent. Marriage is always urgent. There never has been a generation whose view of marriage is high enough. The chasm between the biblical vision of marriage and the human vision is, and has always been, gargantuan. Some cultures in history respect the importance and the permanence of marriage more than others. Some, like our own, have such low, casual, take-it-or-leave-it attitudes toward marriage as to make the biblical vision seem ludicrous to most people.
Jesus’ Vision of Marriage

That was the case in Jesus’ day as well, and ours is vastly worse. When Jesus gave a glimpse of the magnificent view of marriage that God willed for his people, the disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). In other words, Christ’s vision of the meaning of marriage was so enormously different from the disciples, they could not even imagine it to be a good thing. That such a vision could be good news was simply outside their categories.

If that was the case back then with the sober, Jewish world in which they lived, how much more will the magnificence of marriage in the mind of God seem unintelligible to the world we live in, where the main idol is self, and its main doctrine is autonomy, and its central act of worship is being entertained, and its two main shrines are the television and the cinema, and its most sacred genuflection is the uninhibited act of sexual intercourse. Such a culture will find the glory of marriage in the mind of Jesus virtually unintelligible. Jesus would very likely say to us today, when he had finished opening the mystery for us, the same thing he said in his day: “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. . . . Let the one who is able to receive this receive it” (Matthew 19:11-12).
The Biblical Vision of Marriage

So I start with the assumption that our own sin and selfishness and cultural bondage makes it almost impossible to feel the wonder of God’s purpose for marriage between a man and a woman. The fact that we live in a society that can even conceive of—let alone defend—two men or two women entering a relationship and with wild inconceivability calling it marriage, shows that the collapse of our culture into debauchery and barbarism and anarchy is probably not far away.

I mention all this in the hopes that it might possibly wake you up to consider a vision of marriage higher and deeper and stronger and more glorious than anything this culture—or perhaps you yourself—ever imagined. The greatness and glory of marriage is beyond our ability to think or feel without divine revelation and without the illumining and awakening work of the Holy Spirit. The world cannot know what marriage is without learning it from God. The natural man does not have the capacities to see or receive or feel the wonder of what God has designed for marriage to be. I pray that this message might be used by God to help set you free from small, worldly, culturally contaminated, self-centered, Christ-ignoring, God-neglecting, romance-intoxicated, unbiblical views of marriage.
Marriage Is the Display of God

The most foundational thing to see from the Bible about marriage is that it is God’s doing. And the most ultimate thing to see from the Bible about marriage is that it is for God’s glory. Those are the two points I have to make. Most foundationally, marriage is the doing of God. Most ultimately, marriage is the display of God. Let’s allow the Bible to impress these things on us one at a time.
1. Marriage Is God’s Doing

First, most foundationally, marriage is God’s doing. At least four ways to see this explicitly or implicitly are here in our text.
a) Marriage Was God’s Design

Marriage is God’s doing because it was his design in the creation of man as male and female. Of course, this was plain earlier in Genesis 1:27-28, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.’”

But it is also clear here in the flow of thought in Genesis 2:18-25. In verse 18, it is God, not man, who decrees that man’s solitude is not good, and it is God himself who sets out to complete one of the central designs of creation, namely, woman and man in marriage. “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Don’t miss that central and all important statement: God himself will make a being perfectly suited for him—a wife.

Then he parades the animals before him so that he might see that there is no creature that qualifies. This creature must be made uniquely from man so that she will be of his essence as a human created in God’s image as Genesis 1:27 said. So we read in verses 21-22, “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman.” God made her.

This text terminates in verses 24b-25 with the words, “They shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” In other words, it is all moving toward marriage. So the first thing to say about marriage being God’s doing is that marriage was his design in creating man male and female.
b) God Gave Away the First Bride

Marriage is God’s doing because he personally took the dignity of being the first Father to give away the bride. Genesis 2:22, “And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.” He didn’t hide her and make Adam seek. He made her; then he brought her. In a profound sense, he had fathered her. And now, though she was his by virtue of creation, he gave her to the man in this absolutely new kind of relationship called marriage, unlike every other relationship in the world.
c) God Spoke the Design of Marriage into Existence

Marriage is God’s doing because God not only created the woman with this design and brought her to the man like a Father brings his daughter to her husband, but also because God spoke the design of marriage into existence. He did this in verse 24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Who is talking in verse 24? The writer of Genesis is talking. And what did Jesus believe about the writer of Genesis? He believed it was Moses (Luke 24:44) and that Moses was inspired by God so that what Moses said, God said. Listen carefully to Matthew 19:4-5: “[Jesus] answered, ‘Have you not read that he [God] who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said [Note: God said!], “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”’”? Jesus said that Genesis 2:24 is the word of God. Therefore, marriage is God’s doing because he spoke the earliest design of it into existence—“A man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
d) God Performs the One-Flesh Union

Which leads us to the fourth way that marriage is God’s doing: Becoming one flesh, which is at the heart of what marriage is, is a union that God himself performs.
Verse 24 is God’s words of institution for marriage. But just as it was God who took the woman from the flesh of man (Genesis 2:21), it is God who in each marriage ordains and performs a uniting called one flesh that is not in man’s power to destroy. This is implicit here in Genesis 2:24, but Jesus makes it explicit in Mark 10:8-9. He quotes Genesis 2:24 then adds a comment that explodes like thunder with the glory of marriage. “‘The two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

When a couple speaks their vows and consummates their vows with sexual union, it is not man or woman or pastor or parent who is the main actor. God is. God joins a husband and a wife into a one-flesh union. God does that. God does that! The world does not know this. Which is one of the reasons why marriage is treated so casually. And Christians often act like they don’t know it, which is one of the reasons marriage in the church is not seen as the wonder it is. Marriage is God’s doing because it is a one-flesh union that God himself performs.

So, in sum, the most foundational thing we can say about marriage is that it is God’s doing. It was his doing:

1. because it was his design in creation;
2. because he personally gave away the first bride in marriage;
3. because he spoke the design of marriage into existence: leave parents, cleave to your wife, become one flesh;
4. and because this one-flesh union is established by God himself in each marriage.

A glimpse into the magnificence of marriage comes from seeing in God’s word that God himself is the great doer. Marriage is his doing. It is from him and through him. That is the most foundational thing we can say about marriage. And now we will see that it is to him.
2. Marriage Is for God’s Glory

The most ultimate thing to see in the Bible about marriage is that it exists for God’s glory. Most foundationally, marriage is the doing of God. Most ultimately, marriage is the display of God. It is designed by God to display his glory in a way that no other event or institution is.

The way to see this most clearly is to connect Genesis 2:24 with its use in Ephesians 5:31-32. In Genesis 2:24, God says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” What kind of relationship is this? How are these two people held together? Can they walk away from this relationship? Can they go from spouse to spouse? Is this relationship rooted in romance? Sexual desire? Need for companionship? Cultural convenience? What is this? What holds it together?
The Mystery of Marriage Revealed

The words “hold fast to his wife” and the words “they shall become one flesh” point to something far deeper and more permanent than serial marriages and occasional adultery. What these words point to is marriage as a sacred covenant rooted in covenant commitments that stand against every storm of “as long as we both shall live.” But that is only implicit here. It becomes explicit when the mystery of marriage is more fully revealed in Ephesians 5:31-32.

Paul quotes Genesis 2:24 in verse 31, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’” And then he gives it this all-important interpretation in verse 32: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” In other words, marriage is patterned after Christ’s covenant commitment to his church. Christ thought of himself as the bridegroom coming for his bride, the true people of God (Matthew 9:15; 25:1ff; John 3:29). Paul knew his ministry was to gather the bride—the true people of God who would trust Christ—and betroth us to him. He says in 2 Corinthians 11:2, “I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ.”

Christ knew he would have to pay the dowry of his own blood for his redeemed bride. He called this relationship the new covenant—“This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood” (Luke 22:20). This is what Paul is referring to when he says that marriage is a great mystery: “I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Christ obtained the church by his blood and formed a new covenant with her, an unbreakable “marriage.”

The most ultimate thing we can say about marriage is that it exists for God’s glory. That is, it exists to display God. Now we see how: Marriage is patterned after Christ’s covenant relationship to the church. And therefore the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and his church on display. That is why marriage exists. If you are married, that is why you are married.
Christ Will Never Leave His Wife

Staying married, therefore, is not about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. “Till death do us part,” or, “As long as we both shall live” is sacred covenant promise—the same kind Jesus made with his bride when he died for her. Therefore, what makes divorce and remarriage so horrific in God’s eyes is not merely that it involves covenant breaking to the spouse, but that it involves misrepresenting Christ and his covenant. Christ will never leave his wife. Ever. There may be times of painful distance and tragic backsliding on our part. But Christ keeps his covenant forever. Marriage is a display of that! That is the most ultimate thing we can say about it.

I have so much more I want to say at this point. So I have decided to stay with this topic next week. Here is where we will go, Lord willing. Genesis 2:25 says, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” Why does the biblical story of the foundation of marriage end on that note just before the Fall? The answer will lead us, I think, to some very practical counsel that I pray will help us in our marriages fulfill the great purposes God has for us.

For now, would you pray with me that God will replace in the church and in our land self-exalting, marriage-destroying, unbiblical commitments to cater to our emotional desires with Christ-exalting, marriage-honoring, biblical commitments to keep our covenants?

© Desiring God

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Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org

Saturday, April 18, 2009

First Degree Righteousness

"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not whither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers."
Psalm 1:1-3

Now, I've read this verse dozens of times, and every previous time, I have thought of "meditate" in terms of contemplation or musing...mulling it over, so to speak. This is a good thing to do - mulling over God's Word in your head - and is Biblical. But this time that I read it, I looked up the word 'meditate' and found:
"Meditate: (verb) 1. (used without an object) to engage in thought or contemplation; reflect, muse. 2. (used with an object) to consider as something to be done or effected; intend, plan." (dictionary.com)

he | meditates : law

That's a make-shift diagram of the key clause in that sentence. The word "in" is used, but based on the context, I would not consider it to create a prepositional phrase, as one does not literally meditate "in" the law of the Lord, as if it were a place. Therefore "His law," in my estimation, is the direct object. 'And he meditates on His law day and night,' could be another way to phrase it.

If 'His law'' is the direct object of 'meditates,' then the second definition given is the more accurate one. This 'blessed' man meditates on God's Word "considering it as something to be done!" He plans on DOING God's Word! This makes perfect sense. You see, I'm sure you've noticed that righteousness is not natural. It is always brought about by something, if not a number of factors such as conscience (which is gift of God to the saved and the unsaved), the prompting of the Holy Spirit, the conviction brought by God's Word, etc, etc. Point being, we cannot sit idly by and expect righteousness to just happen! At the very least we must take action to simply be sensitive to our consciences. We preserve our conscience by not walking in the counsel of the wicked, or standing in the path of sinners, or sitting in the seat of scoffers. We must not allow ourselves to get comfortable with sin (note: walk -> stand -> sit portrays progressive comfortability). We invite the prompting of the Holy Spirit by communing with Him and delighting in His law. We guarantee the working of the Word by meditating on it day and night; and not just musing either! We must consider it as something to be done! We must pursue "first degree righteousness" - fully planned, and intentionally pursued - premeditated.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Post-Holidays Update

Well, things are finally winding down after a very hectic but wonderful holiday season:) Kyle and I spent the weekend before Thanksgiving moving into our new apartment. We are loving the whole "our place" experience, probably moreso than with our last apartment. We're very centrally located, within 3 minutes of four grocery stores, a couple of department stores, the freeway, the bank, and the city park. We're within 15 minutes of both our families. Our new apartment is just right for us, right now:) It's a one-bedroom apartment in the best complex in the valley - not the fanciest, but definitely the best. Soon after moving in, we purchased several things that our apartment 'needed,' (we're being flexible with that term here) many with the help of generous friends and family:) We were given a nice like-new recliner, we bought a sofa/love-seat set for only $150, we were able to afford a nice television, and Kyle built a tv stand, perfectly suited to the odd arrangement of our living room. It wasn't long before the place began to feel homey:) I'll try to post some pictures at some point:)
The holidays were, of course, busy but great:) We spent Thanksgiving with my family, and the day after with Kyle's family, minus Cory who is stationed in Florida. As we transitioned into the Christmas season, we were determined to thoroughly enjoy Christmas - as many of you know, last Christmas was taken over by weddings. So this year, we made a point of including luxuries such as snuggling by the fire, watching Christmas movies, going to see Christmas light displays around town, and even (would you believe it?) playing in the snow!!! That's right, we got snow! Six whole inches of it! In our little patch of desert, that truly is a Christmas miracle;) Kyle and I spent a whole morning walking to the park down the street and playing in the snow:) I realized that Lancaster actually looks quite beautiful when all the dirt is covered up with snow!;)
As part of our determination to thoroughly enjoy Christmas, I took the whole week of Christmas off of work:) It was a WONDERFUL week!:) I got to spend nearly the whole week with Kyle, without worrying about having to wake up at 4:00 the next morning:) That in itself was a beautiful feeling;) We enjoyed spending the week together, alone and with family, and had a great Christmas with both families:)
Soon after Christmas, Kyle's parents got a call from Cory, saying that he would be flying out to visit for two weeks around New Years! That was exciting news, since we all thought Cory wouldn't be able to take leave time this holiday season. Kyle's parents were going to be out of town the first couple of days that Cory was in town - he sprung it as a surprise, so they'd already made plans - so Cory spent the first few days with us:) It has been great seeing Cory again, and we all wish he could stay longer! He will be flying back to Florida tomorrow:( I've grown a little bit protective of my new "little" brother, and will miss having him around. I am hoping that when Cory moves out to San Diego for BUDS (Navy Seal training), he will be able to visit a little bit more often, being a few hours away instead of across the country. We'll see, I suppose:) In the mean time, he has been doing very well in the Navy:)
After all the holiday craziness died down, Kyle and I did take the liberty of spending some gift money that various friends and family sent - we will be sending out real thank you cards, but 'Thank You!' to everyone who sent such generous gifts:) We bought a few lovely accent pieces for our apartment, including a great big clock that now hangs over our fireplace:) It looks great! We also bought some nice Christmas decorations, which will help make our home look more festive for years to come:) The rest of the gift money we received, we actually split, as Kyle was itching to buy a game system, haha. So, we are now the proud owners of an XBOX-360 (which Kyle, Cory, Kevin and Brian are currently playing), haha:) I found a beautiful little sewing kit and some plain white handkerchiefs, which I am embroidering, as well as a few 'new-to-me' teacups for my collection, and a lovely little display stand so that my teacups don't have to hide in the cupboard anymore:) Needless to say, Christmas was a complete outpouring of blessings for us! The best part, in my opinion, is that, in part due to many of the things we've been blessed with lately, our home has become the place to hang out for the young people in our church, whether it be for Bible study, video games, or a pot of tea and conversation! I love hearing the occasional, "Your place is comfy!" or hearing video-game-playing before I even open the door. I wouldn't trade a welcoming apartment for the fanciest house in the world:) I have loved having a full house most evenings, and hope that it stays that way:)
Well, I suppose that's pretty much all the news for now. I really need to update more frequently...I will try! Until next time..!:)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

WOW! Time for an update!

So, so much has been happening lately that I've hardly had time to update everyone on what's been happening! So I guess it's about time I did...

Well, for anyone who doesn't know what our situation has been for the last 5 months, we've been living with my parents while we saved up money to get into our own place. I have been working out at the air force base, and Kyle has been working on his teaching credential. A few months ago, we were finally able to buy Kyle a car, a 2002 Mazda Protege named Rowdy (seen Scrubs?). He takes very good care of Rowdy, to the point that it wouldn't surprise me if the car out-lives the stuffed dog (see Scrubs). Anyway, lol, about a month ago, Kyle began substitute teaching on his not-so-full days. It's been an interesting experience for him, but he's been doing great, and has been asked for his 'sub number' so that he can be requested next time a substitute is needed:)
I suppose I should include some updates about me too. Well...hmm...I've hardly had time to do much worth updating about! lol. I've been on a pretty crazy schedule. My work hours vary from week to week, and sometimes even from day to day. I may have to get up at 2am, or I may get to sleep in as long as I like - problem is, the early mornings are far more frequent than the late ones, so there's little to no chance of me sleepng past 8am, even if I were allowed to sleep until 2pm! Unfortunately, my varying work schedule hasn't left me the option of being consistently involved in much of anything. Two out of three weeks I'm involved in the youth group at church. One Sunday a month I work in the nursery. Every couple of Sundays I sing on the worship team. And every once in a blue moon I hang out with people that I would really love to see far more often than I do! It often feels like I'm busy, busy, busy, yet don't get anything done. On the other hand, I have been thoroughly enjoying being involved in some longer term activities that don't require weekly attendance. For example, in early December I will be decorating and hosting a tea table at our church's ladies' Christmas Tea:) I am having way too much fun with that, and probably spending way too much money on it, but I am really enjoying it. It's also been great getting to know some of the other ladies in the church through all the random exchanges of ideas:) One bit of excitement I experienced lately was receiving my first real tea set:) It's not commonly known, but I've always loved teacups, and have wanted to collect them, but didn't know where to start or where to find them. Then my mom took me to Belladonna's to seek out some inspiration. If I weren't in love with teacups before, I still would be now, haha. I fell completely in love with a beautiful tea set. It was a warm white color, with cozy looking snowmen all over it, with bits of holly, and tiny red cardinals scattered amongst them. Gold edging, and slightly scalloped edges gave it a graceful elegance, while the snowmen gave it a bit of cutesy charm:) It simply begged to be taken home and used to share tea or cocoa in a cozy corner with a friend. But it costed a pretty penny...actually, several. So, on the shelf it stayed...I kept wanting to go back and look at it, like a little girl staring at a doll in a shop window, and felt silly. I kept trying to think of other ideas for my Christmas tea table - perhaps ones that would not cost so much. Then on Sunday my mom brought me a big gift bag, seemingly out of nowhere. My first thought was, "Whose birthday is it?" lol. She said it was for me! (moi? ^_^) In the gift bag was the snowman teapot and two teacups and saucers!:) I was super excited, and of course showed them to Kyle as if it were something that he would be terribly excited about too (silly me, hehe). I felt like a little girl, anxious to invite a friend over for tea with my new tea set, and yet felt very much grown up, having received my first REAL tea set. Then my mom said, "There's two more bags in your room." I was shocked, "You didn't buy the whole SET did you?!?" She said, "Well you need to sit six people at your tea table, right..?" :-o Like a little kid, I jumped up and raced to my room to find a sugar bowl, creamer pitcher, four more teacups and saucers, and six dessert plates. The whole set!!! It felt like Christmas, doubled. I'm not even kidding, it's like a $200+ tea set. My parents said that they were going to get it for me for Christmas, but knew that if I didn't have it for the Christmas Tea, then I would go out and buy a cheap set that I didn't actually want, just to decorate a table. So they thought about making it an early Christmas gift, but knew they would only find something else to get me for Christmas (my mom complains that I'm too easy to shop for, lol), so they've declared it a house-warming gift, lol. Thank you, Mom and Dad!!!
Speaking of house-warming...if you haven't noticed, we're finally moving into our own place!!! Tomorrow after I get off of work, we're going to sign the lease, and begin moving our stuff in:) We will probably spend Friday evening moving the big stuff, like our sofas (yay!), recliner (woot!), bed, and bookshelves. Then Saturday we'll begin moving boxes. That way, when we unpack the boxes, all the big stuff is already in place, so we can put the little stuff where it goes:) It should be a pretty smooth move:) We're very excited about finally having our own place. We will definitely post pictures of our new little home:)
Well, that's about it for now...lol, thanks for reading!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What's In A Nickname?

Do you have any nicknames? I have several. My dad calls me Kriseleven and Girl-Kid. Kyle calls me Cutie. My friends from highschool call me Krys...I've gone through a few random nicknames that were based on whatever phase I was going through at the time, but one thing was pretty consistent...nicknames were only given by people I was particularly close to, or there was a particular affection between us. Sometimes the nicknames given were only known to those who used them. But one thing was always true - these nicknames, however cheesy they may be, made me feel special. People don't give nicknames to just anyone...

Last week on my way to work, I was listening to Air1 and they played an audio clip of Aaron Shust (great artist!) reading one of his favorite verses. Revelation 2:17 reads, "To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it." At the time I thought, "Huh...wonder why that's one of his favorite verses...eh, whatever. Oh hey, I like this next song!" and that was that. Then today I was driving home from work, listening to MercyMe's song, "When You Spoke My Name" and it brought that verse to mind. The two aren't actually related, but allow a little thought-hop and bear with me. "To him who overcomes, I will...give him...a new name...known only to him..." When we get to heaven, we get nicknames! Of course I've heard the new name concept explained as a representation of the death of the old self and such, but think of it this way too: like I said, nicknames aren't given by or to just anyone...and sometimes they are only known by those who use the nickname. Here, Jesus says that He will only give these new names "to him who overcomes," and it will be "known only to the one who receives it." Sounds like a pretty special name, huh? A nickname, a special just-between-us name from God! Now that's a name I can't wait to hear:)

"Cause when You spoke my name,
Oh I swear the angels sang.
Peace came and stole my shame,
when You spoke my name."
-MercyMe

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Probably Happier Than Is Socially Acceptable

So I think lately I've pretty much been the happiest person on earth. But, by all means, correct me if you're happier. I definitely wouldn't mind exchanging "why I'm happy" stories:) Anyway, the past weeks have been great, despite the daily blahness called work. I like my job, but it sure takes up a lot of time, lol. But it's all the stuff that happens outside of work that's got me all...jazzified...for lack of a better word. See, beginning in mid-August, life just got really great! We drove out to Arizona to spend a weekend with the Lees and the Saltzmans, and had an amazing time. We visited their church, and saw how God is really working through it in amazing ways. I wish we could've visited for a month or so, rather than a weekend. Leaving was kind of like "coming down off the mountain," lol. It was really exciting to see what God is up to in other areas of the Church:)
The following weekend was youth camp, which was no less than pure awesomeness. I absolutely loved getting to know the girls a bit better, and to talk with a few of them as they sorted through everything they (and I!) were learning. It was amazing to see how, given just a little time free from the distractions of every day life, we all finally tuned our ears to God, and were met with "waves of mercy, waves of grace - everywhere we looked, we'd see His face" (c'mon, you know you're doing the little dance too...). Of course like every camp, we had to "come down off the mountain," but were reminded that the "camp special" wasn't that God was at camp more than He's at home, but that we simply took time for Him...and that can be done at home too:)
The following week I was inspired to start a project. I could explain all the logic behind it, but that would make for a too-long-to-read blog, so I'll skip to the project. I'm starting "a collection of youth-related take-home resources" - in other words, a library for the youth group. I am in the process of collecting books and movies that relate to the kinds of questions, issues and life-choices that teenagers encounter. Anything from theology, to dating, to sexual purity, to defending your faith, to...well, anything! The idea is that these kids have questions, and it is our job to give them resources. Now, I know there is something to be said for seeking the counsel of someone who is older and wiser, but let's face it; if you've been a teenager before, you know it's not always easy to share everything with someone else. I've had issues that I didn't want to share immediately. I don't want kids to leave their questions unanswered, or let the issues they battle become full fledged wars for their souls, just because they didn't have the resources to seek help or answers. I've watched someone very close to me walk away from God because when his friends (including myself) didn't have the answers to his questions, he looked no further, and walked away from God. I never want to see that happen again. So...call me crazy, tell me it's a big job, ask me if it's worth it...or, actually, don't, because I don't care, lol...I am building this library. I've spent a lot of time figuring out the system, working out the kinks, and figuring out what this project is going to take. My dad has told me (from experience, lol), "Don't start a project unless you're willing to do everything yourself...There's no guarantee that everyone will jump in with both feet." So I didn't start it until I had figured it all out on paper, and was sure I would be willing and able to do all the work myself. It's been exciting, and it's stayed on my heart even through figuring out how much work it will be. I haven't been met with encouragement on all sides, to be honest, but for some reason I don't care. I haven't been given a single legitimate reason to just not do it. I've had challenges pointed out to me, but I've modified the system, and kept going. And I am almost ready to get it "officially" going. I have a box of books, and am getting the check-out system ready to go. I am really hoping that the box of books will grow into a shelf of books, and eventually shelves of books. But I've got a decent start going, and a collection that includes some real "five star books". I am also hoping to include movies, as I know there are lots of great Christian films out there, as well as DVDs of seminars, debates, etc which are really interesting. Anyhow, so far I have a library budget of $50 a month, so hopefully each month I'll be able to buy a few books to add to the library. If you have any recommendations, such as books or movies that taught you something, inspired you, or helped you work out an issue, please give me recommendations! I'd really like to buy books that I've heard good things about, so let me know if you know of any books that are real must-haves, or even should-haves;) I suppose it can't hurt to throw it out there that I am accepting donations, so if you can bear to part with the books you would recommend, it would be hugely appreciated if you donated them!:) If not, simple recommendations (or monetary donations if you're particularly inspired to help out:) are definitely appreciated:) Anyway, that's what I've been up to lately, and I've been having a blast doing it:) It's extremely exciting, believe it or not, lol. Kind of in a "If you build it, they will come" sort of way, haha. I haven't gotten giddy about something in a long time, so it is great to be excited about something again:)
Anyway, this has gotten really long, and it's time to finish up dinner. Leave me comments with any book recommendations! Remember they don't have to be specifically "for teens"...they just have to be good ;)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Death, where is your sting?

"Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned - for until the Law sin was in the world, but sin is not imputed when there is no law." -Romans 5:12-13

"Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The Lord God commanded the man, saying, 'From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die." -Genesis 2:16-17

"Then the Lord God said, 'Behold, the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil; and now he might stretch out his hand, and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever' - therefore, the Lord God sent him out of the garden of Eden, to cultivate the ground from which he was taken. So He drove the man out, and at the east of the garden of Eden He stationed the cherubim and the flaming sword which turned every direction to guard the way to the tree of life." -Genesis 3:22-24

Observations...
Romans 5:12 indicates that death entered the world because of sin
Romans 5:13 indicates that the possibility of sin requires 'law'
Genesis 2:16 indicates that God commanded that Adam and Eve not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
Genesis 2:16 is not "the Law," (the law given to Moses), but is sufficient law to make sin possible
Genesis 2:16 only forbids ONE tree: the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
Genesis 3:22, God observes that man had taken from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and was now "like one of Us" (Us = trinity).
Genesis 3:22 God says, "now he might stretch out his hand and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever"
Genesis 3:23 God sent Adam and Eve out of the garden
Genesis 3:24 God stationed angels and a flaming sword to guard the garden of Eden, "to guard the way to the tree of life"

Thoughts...
Okay...so through man, via sin, death entered the world. Does this mean physical, or spiritual death? I have always assumed it was referring to physical death. But today something made me re-think that. In Genesis 3:22-24, God sends Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden, ***so that they would not be able to eat from the tree of life***. Now, God had never before commanded Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of life. The fruit of the tree of life was free for the taking. In Genesis 3:22, God indicates that the tree of life would have caused them to live forever........If there was no physical death before sin...then what would the tree of life do? Why would God bar them from it, if they were already created immortal?...Or was there physical death before the fall? Were Adam and Eve given dibs on eternal life (the tree of life was not forbidden!), and ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil instead?? Was there the possibility of physical death in the garden of Eden?...C.S. Lewis wrote, in The Screwtape Letters, from the perspective of Screwtape (a fictional ally of Satan), that Satan and his followers must work to keep us humans believing that physical death is a bad thing. Was he onto something? Do we mistake physical death for spiritual death? Spiritual death is, by all definitions, a BAD thing to bring on yourself. Spiritual death eternally separates us from God. Physical death is completely different. Physical death, in a sense, transports us from the physical world, to the spiritual world (Don't worry, I'm not getting all weird on you). Now think about it...because of sin, physical death MAY transport us to either Heaven, or Hell. If we are bound for Heaven (those who have accepted Christ's sacrifice and forgiveness, and are seen as sinless), physical death is not actually a bad thing! If we are bound for Hell (those who have not accepted Christ's sacrifice and forgiveness, and are seen as sinful), then physical death is a very bad thing, as it is quite literally the point of no return! However...in a sinless world, what would death be? If you're like me, you automatically just thought, "But there isn't death in a sinless world. Romans 6:12-13 says that death came through sin!" Okay, but what kind of death is Romans 6:12 referring to? Physical death, or spiritual death? If it is referring to physical death, then the garden of Eden must have been free of physical death. But if it is referring to spiritual death, then physical death (which, remember, is not a bad thing for the sinless!) could have been a part of the garden of Eden. Consider this - why would Adam have to till the ground, if there were no way the plants would die?...why would there be a tree of LIFE, if there were no death?...why would God give Adam and Eve free access to the tree of Life, if they were already immortal? Would there be any point to a tree of Life, if Adam and Eve COULDN'T die? If there were physical death in a sinless world, that death would be a pretty exciting event! Sinless humans would understand that death is simply a trip from physical earth, to spiritual Heaven! Did God create mortal, perfect humans, so that He could watch the amazing process of life, birth, and death? Did He allow death? Was life a beautiful cycle that began on earth and ended with a one-way trip to Heaven? Was death originally a glorious occurance? A good thing, which like many good things, has been perverted by sin?...Or am I completely off...What do you think?

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day, uh...9?

Dear Diary,

Well, obviously I've skipped a few days of writing. Audrey and her family got back from vacation Sunday night, so of course I've been busy ever since. They got into town around dinner time, so she picked me up and we went to Denny's. We always go there. It's, like, our spot. The people there know us, and our orders, by heart, lol. Anyway, we went to Denny's and stayed there until we had to leave, to get home by curfew at 1:00 in the morning. Audrey didn't seem to be in much of a hurry to get home in time...she said her parents were so exhausted from the drive, that she was sure they were asleep long before her curfew. I wanted to hang out with her all night (two weeks without my best friend was long enough!) but I knew it was a bad idea to stay out past her curfew. She kind of made me feel like a goodie two shoes. We ARE over 18, and both think it's pretty silly that she still has a curfew. We're in college! Who in college has a curfew?? But her parents say that it's for safety reasons, not because they don't trust her...they say after 1:00 is when the drunks start driving home, and she shouldn't be on the roads for that...and of course there's the "as long as you're living under our roof, you go by our rules no matter how old you are!" thing :-p BLAH. But...as dumb as I think it is sometimes, I found myself trying to convince Audrey that we should just go back to her house, so she'd be home by curfew, but I could just hang out with her there. I definitely didn't want her to get caught missing her curfew, and get grounded (19 yr olds get grounded??!)...I had to go it alone for two weeks while they were on vacation. I was NOT gonna let her get grounded, lol. Anyway...I felt like a sissy for trying to find "logical" excuses for going to her house instead of staying out. Afterwards I thought, "Why didn't I just tell her it's the right thing to do?" Was it wrong for me to chicken out on saying that? I don't know...I'd already met with my Specialist that day, so I couldn't ask Him until yesterday.
Yesterday I started classes again. I didn't get to really meet with my Specialist, cause...well, you know how adjusting to a new class schedule can be. I'm not used to when my breaks are or how long it takes to get from class to class...so I just called Him on my lunch break. Oy, you should've seen how dumb I looked in front of Audrey. See...well, I haven't told her about me seeing a Specialist yet...I don't know why. I'm just not entirely sure how to explain it all to her. I feel like I don't know enough about my own condition and the treatments and all that. So of course when I wanted to call my Specialist I told her I had to call my Friend. (I'd say He qualifies as a Friend to me now, wouldn't you?) As soon as I referred to this "friend" as a "he" she flipped and asked who my new boyfriend was! I told her I didn't have a boyfriend. She wasn't convinced and kept asking who "this guy" is throughout the day. I guess I'll have to explain it to her eventually, huh? Anyway, she (conveniently) had to run to the bathroom, so I used that opportunity to call Him...I told him I wasn't sure when I'd get to meet with Him. He was just glad I called...He said He's very eager to meet with me again, and would love to hear about Audrey and school...(See? He qualifies as a friend;). Anyway, I told Him I'd still read the Book He gave me, tonight. I felt bad not meeting with Him in person, but I'm sure I'll meet with Him again soon...

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 6

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s a Saturday. I overslept this morning, and woke up when I was supposed to be meeting with my Specialist. I’m not used to making time for something every single morning, particularly Saturdays. I called Him and explained that I overslept, and asked if we should reschedule or just skip today or what, and He said not to worry about it, that I could come see Him whenever I’m ready. I guess He doesn’t have another appointment right after mine, or He’d be booked…anyway, I grabbed a bagel for breakfast and rushed off to meet with Him. On the bright side, my conscience didn’t hurt. I felt bad for being late, but my conscience has been okay so far today.
My Specialist was waiting for me when I got there to meet with Him. I apologized a zillion times for being late, but He told me not even to worry about it. “How’s your conscience?” He asked me. I told Him it was feeling pretty good, and He said, “Then why do you feel bad for being late? You didn’t do anything wrong. Your conscience would tell you if you did. You see there is a difference between mistakes, and wrong-doing.” I hadn’t really thought about that before. I overslept by mistake…He said, if I’d shirked my responsibilities…woken up, then gone back to sleep knowing I had somewhere to be…then it would be a deliberate wrong-doing. “Unfortunately,” He told me, “a lot of people, once they hear that, they try to label everything they do wrong as a mistake. Learn to know the difference, and be honest with yourself about what a mistake is. Everyone is entitled to a few mistakes. Nobody is entitled to a few free sins. And sins have eternal consequences, whereas mistakes have momentary consequences.” I guess the consequences for my mistake this morning weren’t too bad, lol. But I bet if I’d knocked over mom’s antique vase on my way out the door, those consequences would’ve been bad! Haha. Yay for a gracious Specialist;)
Oh, one thing we talked about was…I realized that once I start school again, I won’t be able to come see Him at 8:00 every morning. He told me not to worry about what time I’m available. He said, “The important thing is that you are available. Not what time. I’m available whenever you are, so drop by whenever you can.” One thing He told me was that I should call Him any time I want. I’m not sure what would cause a need for me to actually call Him when I’m meeting with Him every day, but…I guess I’ll keep it in mind. He said that living in this world, I’d never know when I may need to reach Him, so He makes Himself available to me any time day or night. Hopefully I won’t have to reach Him outside our daily meetings, but…okay. lol. Anyway, Mom and I are off to buy my books for my new classes…

Friday, June 6, 2008

Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 5

Dear Diary,

It occurred to me today…I’m sure not acting like a cancer patient. I’ve known cancer patients, and their situation always made me feel scared for them; I’d want to be hopeful, but not foolish and in denial about the reality of their condition. On the other hand, I know more than one cancer survivor:) I guess I get to be one too now:) Wait…see what I mean? I’ve got one of the deadliest forms of cancer, yet all the hope and confidence in the world. My Specialist says these treatments are guaranteed, so…I guess I don’t just have hope. I have confidence. I’m awfully glad I don’t have to go through chemo…I hear that stuff is murder on your digestive system. Anyway, I can tell I’m a lot more optimistic and confident about my condition, since seeing my Specialist.
This coming Monday I’m gonna have to go back to school though. Summer classes start, and I can’t miss that. Audrey and I are taking summer classes so we can get done with junior college sooner and get out of here!;) I’m definitely ready to go back to school. Audrey’s family went on vacation between semesters, so I’m ready to have my best friend back.
Anyway, I met with my Specialist again this morning, and we talked about David, the guy He told me about yesterday. David wrote a lot of songs. I guess he was better with songs and poetry than just talking or something, cause he wrote songs about his experiences, and gave them to my Specialist, back when he was a patient. We read part of the same one as yesterday. David said, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.”* David had screwed up pretty bad, and his conscience was giving him some serious trouble. He needed our specialist to remind him about the hope and confidence that He had given David; he needed the sins off his chest, and the joy back in his heart. Even when his conscience was in good shape, he needed the Specialist’s help. That made me feel a little better about going through treatment for the rest of my life. David needed help too. And…I think he felt kind of like I did a few days ago…how I said I felt like I could talk to my Specialist any time and He would be there to help me. David needed help, even after years with a healthy conscience. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so dumb talking to my Specialist when I need help. Another thing I found interesting was when David wrote about telling other sinners about the Specialist. I asked my Specialist how David could tell who else was sick and needed treatments. He said, “It’s pretty easy…everyone has it. Everyone needs treatment. Everyone needs help, and if they don’t realize it, or are told about it, they’ll just try to placate the pain with things that never work.” That’s really sad :( I’d hate to think of my parents, or Audrey trying to get rid of the pain in their conscience with all sorts of hopeless methods. When I told my Specialist this, He told me not to worry too much about my parents…they’ve been coming for treatments for years! Apparently they don’t come daily but they try, and their consciences are healthy. He said check-ups are better than nothing, but that it couldn’t hurt to encourage them to come daily. I guess Audrey isn’t one of His patients yet…maybe I should tell her about Him. I don’t know though…I’m not exactly the conscience-tumor expert yet, so I’m not sure what to tell her…I’ll just be glad to see her on Monday though! Maybe it’ll come up in regular conversation:) I’ll have to tell her what I did while she was on vacation anyway!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 4

Dear Diary,

Well, today is my third day of treatment. I don’t really feel like going…I know I should, but I feel bad about my attitude yesterday. I got pretty frustrated with my Specialist, and I wouldn’t be surprised if He were a little miffed at me…but I’ll feel even dumber tomorrow if I were to ditch today…so I’ll go…my conscience is hurting. Ever since treatment yesterday it’s been really sensitive and achy. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but I don’t like it hurting…hopefully today’s treatment will help…if I don’t spend the whole treatment feeling stupid…I’ll write about how it goes later.


Dear Diary,

Why am I such a pessimist? I feel kind of silly for expecting my Specialist to be mad at me about my frustrations yesterday. He wasn’t upset at all, and was glad I came back. That made me feel a lot better. When I asked Him if He was mad at me for spouting off yesterday He said, “You spouted off yesterday?…Oh…well my dear, I seem to have forgotten it entirely” sounding a bit like an absent minded old man. It made me laugh, cause I know His mind is sharp as ever, so I’m sure He hasn’t really just forgotten. I know He hasn’t really just forgotten, actually, because He answered a lot of the questions I asked yesterday. Apparently, my conscience will hurt even when it’s healthy, when it is given cause for pain. He explained, “Sins, bad things you do, bad attitudes you have, and so on, are what cause your conscience to hurt. The tumor has little to do with the pain. The tumor is dead tissue that grows…it’s presence bothers you because it is not supposed to be there, and hinders your conscience from working properly. But sin still hurts your conscience, and that is a good sign. It means the cancer has not taken over your conscience.” This took awhile for me to process…the tumor isn’t what causes pain, sin is. He helped me understand that the treatments are a two-part exercise for that reason. The tumor, while it doesn’t hurt, is not supposed to be there. So part of the treatment is to get rid of the tumor. My conscience will hurt when I sin, and so the second part of the exercises are to help me avoid sin. Yesterday it seemed like I was fighting the cancer, and my conscience. Now I get it though. I’m fighting the tumor, and anything that causes my conscience pain! So, with a healthy conscience, I’m not guaranteed pain – I’m just capable of feeling it if I do something that does cause it to hurt. Anyway, so I’m supposed to keep reading this Book He gave me, so I can learn what sorts of things to avoid…the things that would make my conscience hurt. And I’m supposed to keep meeting with Him. He said that just meeting with Him and talking about my condition helps to shrink the tumor. I’m not sure how that works, but…I am feeling pretty good after today’s treatment, so…I guess maybe He’s onto something..:)

Anyway, today we read something in the Book that I thought was interesting. My Specialist was telling me about this guy named David who was a really good guy, whose heart was generally in the right place. He had a pretty healthy conscience, but one time I guess he really screwed up (literally), and his conscience was practically killing him. But something he wrote helped me understand how a healthy conscience, and a painful conscience are a good thing…he wrote, “Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”* The pain in his conscience gave him the desire to get rid of the sin in his life that was causing him so much pain! My Specialist told me that He wants me to pay attention to my conscience, and when it hurts, try to think of what might be making it hurt. I told Him my conscience was hurting yesterday after treatment and He asked why I thought it might be hurting at that particular time…I realized it started hurting when my attitude flared up. When I told Him this, He looked like I’d just unearthed some incredibly valuable information, lol. He said He was really pleased because, one, I identified what caused my conscience pain, and two, I told Him about it. I’m not sure why He was so excited about this, but it did feel good to get it off my chest, anyway. Well, I’m getting writers cramp, so I’m gonna end this…hopefully I’ll have more good stuff to write after tomorrow’s treatment.

*Psalm 51:2-3

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 3

Dear Diary,

I met with my Specialist again today. We read some of the Book that He gave me, and talked about what sort of exercises I should be doing to combat the tumor on my conscience. I have a feeling I have a long road ahead of me. My Specialist always seems hopeful and encouraging, always pushing me gently to keep going with the treatments. I'm a little confused though. I asked Him how long it would take for the treatment to work. He said it's already working. I asked Him how soon I would be cancer free. He said I would be cancer free when I die! This was frightening and discouraging at the same time. I asked what the point of fighting it was, if I was going to have it for the rest of my life. He explained that there is always sin around me, and I will always have to fight my own urge to sin…and so my conscience is always needing these treatments, to keep it healthy and sharp. He said that my conscience, when healthy, will hurt to some degree whenever I'm sinning, or just sitting on the side lines watching my friends sin. I thought I was going through treatment to get rid of pain! Why is He now telling me that my conscience will hurt when it's healthy?! It's kind of frustrating, and I can see why some people quit treatments >( Am I working for the sake of getting rid of the discomfort? Or am I working only to find out the discomfort is always gonna be there? Am I supposed to fight this cancer for the rest of my life, only to have my conscience causing me constant discomfort every waking hour?? *sigh* I actually kind of vented all that frustration off on my Specialist, and felt kind of bad afterwards…my conscience hurt. He sat there quietly for quite awhile after I finally shut up, and even when He stayed calm and caring, I felt like leaving. I don't know why. I just didn't want to sit there looking at Him when I was frustrated with His 'treatments'. These 100% guaranteed treatments, and…my conscience is still gonna hurt whenever I sin? How is that a cure? I thought I was supposed to be perfectly healthy and happy because of these treatments. Whose definition of "healthy" are we going by here?! *sigh* I know He cares, and His intentions are good, but…what is really the point of all this? What's tomorrow going to be like? I feel like I don't know anything, and these exercises are such a slow process…I don't know…maybe every patient goes through this…

Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 2

Dear Diary,

This morning I had my scheduled appointment with the Specialist. It was kind of weird. I went in feeling like I was going in for more bad news, but when I met with Him, He seemed like He was SO glad I was there. I mean, not just "nice to see you" but…like He was glad that I was meeting with Him rather than at school or work like all the healthy people. I really like Him though. He's really gentle and understanding. Even when He has to talk about things that worry me, He's…actually a lot of fun to be around. Not your typical doctor to say the least. I feel really comfortable around Him. It's weird. I don't feel like I know Him all that well, but I feel like He knows me all that well…if that makes sense. Anyway, He's really cool…of course I haven't gotten into the painful, hard work type stuff yet. This appointment was basically to talk about what my condition is. My chances are 100%. But my tumor is still a real problem. It's weird…now that I know what it is, it hurts more:(. My Specialist said that that's normal, because my conscience, where the tumor is, is a unique organ. I guess most organs, when they have problems, they become more and more sensitive, and the pain increases. The conscience though, as problems progress, after getting past the worst of it (where I'm at now) it starts becoming desensitized. He said this is what causes a lot of people to quit treatment. It's less work to just let the cancer do it's thing until you can't feel it anymore, because it eventually sears your conscience completely. That's pretty gross. But I guess some people would prefer that over what He calls a clear conscience. I want to go through the treatment though, not just wait until it's painless. My Specialist seemed really sad when He explained about people preferring to just wait until it becomes painless, because this is the most deadly cancer, and when people actually choose the cancer over the cure…it's like suicide, and there's nothing He can do. I can tell, He cares for every one of His patients. For some reason that doesn't make me feel like He only cares for me because He cares for all His patients…call me crazy, but I still feel special…like I'm His only patient…like I could call Him in the middle of the night if my conscience started hurting, and He would be there just for me… Okay, maybe I am crazy. I won't really call Him in the middle of the night about my conscience, but…I like feeling like I could, even if I won't. It at least leaves me feeling hopeful…

Anyway, about the treatment. Since this kind of cancer is one of the fastest growing kinds, I am to go through treatments every day. He finally told me why this treatment is so much work. The treatment is sort of a two part exercise. One part is (believe it or not) just getting me informed. He gave me this Book, which is all about (believe it or not) my Specialist, other patients He's had, what causes this cancer, what helps it, what makes it worse…there's stuff about how this cancer came into the world, people who have gone through treatment, people who have denied the treatment…sometimes it feels like a history lesson, but He says that almost all of His patients gain some comfort, and strength to fight the cancer, by reading about people who have been there too. He also said that there is tons of information in this book about how to prevent my cancer from spreading. The cause of the cancer is sin. The scary thing is that this cancer can feed off of my own sins, OR second hand sin. Both make it worse, if left unguarded. My Specialist said this doesn't mean that I can't be around anyone who sins. He said that would require complete quarantine which would just be ridiculous. He said quarantining His patients is as bad as killing them. He told me to read the Book for details, but that basically the treatment, at first just helps me learn how to keep the cancer from spreading. The second part of the treatment is actually fighting off the cancer. He said that's the part that scares people, because it changes lives completely. Is it bad for me to worry about that? I mean…like I said, I trust my Specialist…but does that mean I should never worry about what I'm doing and going through? Is it wrong for me to question Him? Is He going to think I'm going to back out, if I'm afraid of this? I don't know…all I know is that, even with all my questions and uncertainties, I get a lot of comfort from Him, even when I don't have all the answers. Anyway…starting tomorrow I'm supposed to meet with Him daily to read this book, so that I can keep this tumor from growing. Well…here's hopin'…

Diary of a Chain Sinner - Day 1

Dear Diary,

Today I was given some news that, well...isn't so pleasant. Honestly, for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks, though I'm not sure why. I've heard about the affects of second-hand sin, but I guess I didn't realize just how much it affected me until I tried it first hand. I don't sin all that often. I guess I'd say I'm a social sinner. I'm not dependent on it, so I thought I was okay. Now I'm told that I have, well, a tumor of sorts. I went in because something, I wasn't sure what, was causing all sorts of discomfort, particularly when I was at church. It got to the point where it kind of scared me, so I decided to go see a specialist. I told Him about what I was experiencing: constant discomfort, the painful lump in the pit of my stomach when Pastor teaches...He didn't even have to run any tests to tell me what it was. Classic symptoms, I guess, of a tumor on my conscience. I should consider myself lucky, I suppose...It's the most deadly type of cancer, but it's the one type of cancer whose treatment is guaranteed to work, if I'll consent to the treatment. I was surprised (to put it lightly) when He asked me if I wanted to go through treatment...He wanted to explain all the details of the treatment to me, because apparently a lot of people decline treatment, or start it and quit, because...well, I guess it can be painful, and a lot of work, and a huge change, and He said a lot of people fear pain, work, and change more than the risk, discomfort and certain death of denying treatment. I was amazed when He told me that millions of people have declined this treatment even though it's FREE! That, at first, completely blew my mind, but then I thought...what does this treatment entail? What will it do to me? It's guaranteed to get rid of the cancer, which is a miracle, because this type of cancer is known for its rapid growth. But...honestly, like everybody else, I'm not a huge fan of work or pain...and change is pretty intimidating. What will it change? He said everything. He let me consider it for awhile before I had to decide. The hard part was, I kind of had to decide on my own. Well, He said I could talk to people who had gone through the treatment if I wanted to, but He didn't recommend asking my friends if I should go through with it...apparently a lot of people who haven't actually been diagnosed and had to come to grips with the reality, don't realize that, as those who are in treatment would say, it's worth it. Anyway...I...I'm honestly scared to death but...He's the specialist, He's seen millions of cases like mine, and...I can tell He cares. I don't know Him all that well yet, but for some reason...I trust Him. So I'm going through with treatment. I'm not sure what it's going to be like, but He said it's worth every bit of it...so I believe Him. I guess I'll write more about it as I go...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

New Job!!!

Well, after over 5 long months of job hunting, we finally found one!!! Today I was officially offered a position as a computer operator out at the air force base:) It will definitely be a whole different experience from my past jobs, but I am excited about it:) I have always liked learning new things, and this will definitely be a learning experience:) Who knew there was such thing as a job that I would qualify for, but would also learn a lot from?!:) I will be starting work there on June 16th. I'm gearing myself up for near insanity the previous week though, haha. We'll be moving from LA to Lancaster on the 15th, and starting school and work on the 16th. Throw in finals, graduation and Kyle's CBEST test, and it's going to be quite a hectic week. Pray that we get through it with enough energy left over to start school and work with fresh enthusiasm!:)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Kyle's Birthday:)

Well, last Wednesday was Kyle's 23rd birthday:) He sort of got an extended birthday this year:) On Tuesday, we went out to BJ's for dinner, and thoroughly enjoyed dinner and a pazooki:) (If anyone doesn't know what a pazooki is, they're missing out on one of life's greatest joys;). On Wednesday Kyle got woken up by a birthday card, and got a specially made breakfast that actually took some effort to fix, as opposed to the typical fried or scrambled eggs, and he seemed to enjoy it. Unfortunately, birthdays aren't excuses to skip school or work, so he still had to go about most of his normal day. After I dropped him off, I went and hung out at the fraternity house and the UCLA store until he got out of class. Then I met up with him on his lunch break:) I took him to work, then headed for home. While he was at work, I got all "cutesied up" in a springy dress, then went to pick him up. The rest of the evening was hardly the dream birthday of a 23-year-old married man, lol. Traffic was lousy, so it took awhile to get home. When we got home, we were both really hungry, so he opted for leftovers instead of waiting for dinner to be cooked. Then we watched 'Enchanted' (y'know, the latest Disney princess movie..?). When the movie was over around 10:00pm, we were both really tired, and went straight to sleep...well, in the sense that a group of 3rd grade girls at a sleepover "go to sleep"...we actually stayed up talking and laughing for another 45 minutes or so. But after that we fell asleep. It must have been the girliest birthday either of us have experienced, but we both had fun:) Apparently Kyle was in a "let's do whatever" type mood, and a princess movie just happened to be our next NetFlix rental, lol, so we watched it! It was a really good movie though, and we both enjoyed it:) Anyway, on Friday, we had planned a lovely hike up in the San Gabriel Mountains. The trail followed a creek, and was up in the foresty part of the mountains. Unfortunately, it was POURING rain up in the mountains on Friday. It was sprinkling down in LA, but we figured we'd actually enjoy hiking in the cool overcast, slightly drizzly weather. But by the time we got to the trailhead, the drizzle had developed into a heavy downpour:-\ At this point, we were just about at the top of the mountains, so rather than turn around and go back, we just continued over the mountain, and took the scenic route down to Lancaster:) We ate our picnic lunch in the car, took a few pictures through the car windows, and continued on. It was actually a really pleasant drive, and we both enjoyed it.
We had a nice weekend in Lancaster, and celebrated Kyle's birthday with both families:) Kyle got to go to the driving range for a bit of golf practice with his dad, and they played a game of pool:) (who won??) We ate pizza and played Cranium and watched a movie with his parents, and he opened several great gifts from them:) His mom made Rocky Road (not the ice cream, but something SO much better;), and of course we enjoyed that! We went out for dinner and ate Ben&Jerry's ice cream with my parents, and Kyle got a few more neat presents from them:) It was a really fun weekend, and...oh! and yes, I got him something for his birthday too. But I bought the wrong kind of See's candies:( During a "we're broke, why are we window shopping?" trip, I'd told Kyle, that he'd get a box of his favorite See's chocolates (which we were drooling over at the See's store) for his birthday, and then I bought the wrong kind:( Guess I'll just have to go get the right kind when these ones are gone, huh?;) Anyway, Kyle had a good birthday, and is now looking forward to his up-coming graduation! (Maybe that'll be my excuse for buying more See's chocolates, to get the right kind;)

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Mount Hollywood Hike

Friday afternoon, Kyle and I were able to get out for a bit of adventure in the great outdoors:) Well, adventure in the sense of getting exhausted and a little bit sunburned;) Nothing REALLY adventurous happened, but it was really nice to get out and hike around:) We hiked up Mount Hollywood, which is the ridge next to where the Hollywood sign sits. It was a pretty steep climb, and showed me just how out of shape I really am, but it was a fun way to get out and about:) Here are a few pictures from the hike!







And The Count-Down Begins!

Well, the Count-Down to our move has officially begun! The "official-ness" is only signified by the presence of a count-down on my MySpace page, but hey, it gets me excited:) It's like an advent calendar;) Actually, it is very much like an advent calendar, in the sense that it gets half of me excited, and makes half of me think, "Oh no! I have way too much to do between now and then!" This move is going to be quite a crazy transition. Kyle has his last final exam on June 11th, graduates on June 13th, takes the CBEST test (so he can substitute teach while working on his credential) on June 14th, and (hopefully) begins summer classes at CSUB on June 16th. Needless to say, that is going to be a busy week! I'm glad we found out how crazy the weekend is going to be, ahead of time. If I know it's going to be crazy, I can prepare for it;) So, as of yesterday I have started packing up thing that we won't be needing between now and the move. I have also started to deep clean our apartment, so that when we move out, the final cleaning will be easier. I recently discovered the amazing-ness of bleach, and am pretty sure that by the time we are out of here, this apartment will look like new;) Bleach pens for dirty grout, bleach water to soak the sinks, bleach powder to scrub the toilets...I love now they put in all white tile, toilets, shelves, etc;) Unfortunately I can't do all that until the last minute. I'm sure anyone who has a kitchen knows how quickly grout can turn grungy again. Another thing I love about bleach is that the bugs who generally invade our place on a daily basis have taken to hiding. Apparently they don't like extreme cleanliness. Aside from wishing I could actually exterminate them, I don't mind if they just hide until we're gone. Anyway, the move is slowly, and quickly, approaching and we're anxious, in both senses. In the mean time, we're keeping busy trying to prepare for all the craziness ahead. Pray that it goes smoothly!